Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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A slow return from the morass

Firstoff, this post is marked friends only.
EDIT 02003.02.11:This entry was posted "Friends" only. It is now public.

It's going to be a while until I think I will be comfortable talking completely openly about everything that had pushed me away from LiveJournal. Not just LiveJournal. Alot of what was around me.

2002 Was one of the most difficult years that I've faced. Which is saying a lot for everything I accomplished. My past sins came back to haunt me and got right into my face. I began to truly get a grip on who I was as an individual and fought a horrendously, badly-fought battle to stay true to who that person was. I discovered not that my world views typically don't mesh with others... I discovered that this is okay.

I've had many friends along the way try to teach me this lesson. And I've often commented, that just because I take the final step alone; there's no way I could have gotten to the final step without those that walked with me...and at other times pushed me. And even those that led me away when in fact, it was just to help re-enforce the direction that helps me grow.

My life came to a head this Wednesday when I sat in on a philosophy class sponsored by my church. The class really just talked about the "Will" what it is, how to recognize it, and how to follow it.

Now, for those who neither understand nor follow my philosophy; this statement is so easy to read much horror into. Cultism, ego-centricism, heresy, sacrilege, etc.

i'm going to put down my views of this for me. Read them if you Will, ignore them if you wish. But they are my thoughts for me.

Will, is the act of being the best you the universe hopes you can be. trying to excel in what you are good at. Avoiding that which slows that progress. Admitting to your demons. Doing what you can to grow in a self-enriching way... every day. The True Will, is the Perfect Me.

What does this mean to others? If I am on the path of being the perfect me, I CAN NOT get in the way of the path of someone working to their own perfect them. Any obstruction I become in someone else's path is meant in some way (that neither I nor they may understand) to help one or both of us, get further down the path.

I am. I can take responsibility for no one other than me. This does not mean that I can not take responsibilities. But I must learn when I am taking a responsibility; and when I am stealing one from another. Because in that offer and action...that is when I have done the most damage.

I must be true an honest to who I am. Because if I am... then no one should be able to say I am being self-destructive. I will only be self-constructive. (How's that for a term you NEVER hear.)

This is admittedly just rambling. But the truth of the matter is. I've been screwing up a lot my entire life. I look back and think "None of my screwing up was intentional" And the scariest response to that is that I am very much not as proud on reflection on that I think I should be. (You can work that out later)

Sure, I could be proud and think, "I've never intended to screw up." And most will be ready to chime in and say, "You're damn right you have no right to be proud. You think your intentions were so damned pure."

But my lack of pride comes not from whether my intentions were good or not. My lack of pride comes from always trying to identify what I perceived to be the least offensive response. My overly analytical mind tried to find the quickest cleanest fix at the time. No evaluation whatsoever of the long range. Of what my temporary fix would do for the long term.

Well... Theory and practice being what it's worth.... That's just a bunch of me sitting in my apartment clumping away on a box.

Where do I go from here?

I find a way to monitor myself. I look deeper inside to identify when I'm lying to myself. Yes, lying to myself. Forcing myself to believe at the deepest levels that I'm being honest about something I don't agree with is still just lying to myself.

I buckle down. I notch up. Maybe I stay distant from involved relationships for a while.

I sit back and realize that my past stupidity has chased people that were friends; completely out of my life for ever.

I think I'm growing. I think I've learned a lot in 2003. I think I have still more to fix and grow on.

But I honestly like myself. (I smirk as I realize the expression on my face really doesn't reenforce that thought.)

I'll be trying to post the good, the bad, and the ugly as they occur and some of the past in the journal. I've been looking at stock-market-like trend-lines of my posting frequency. I'm out of shape, so to speak. I'm below my 200, 100, 50, and even 5 day average. So the restart may be a bit slow. Or it may explode out of the gate and then falter after the first turn.

But it's going to be me. I hope. Because, I'm the only one who really knows what's going on in my world. And I gotta at least be honest to me.

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