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Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

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Andrei in the office

A slow return from the morass

Firstoff, this post is marked friends only.
EDIT 02003.02.11:This entry was posted "Friends" only. It is now public.

It's going to be a while until I think I will be comfortable talking completely openly about everything that had pushed me away from LiveJournal. Not just LiveJournal. Alot of what was around me.

2002 Was one of the most difficult years that I've faced. Which is saying a lot for everything I accomplished. My past sins came back to haunt me and got right into my face. I began to truly get a grip on who I was as an individual and fought a horrendously, badly-fought battle to stay true to who that person was. I discovered not that my world views typically don't mesh with others... I discovered that this is okay.

I've had many friends along the way try to teach me this lesson. And I've often commented, that just because I take the final step alone; there's no way I could have gotten to the final step without those that walked with me...and at other times pushed me. And even those that led me away when in fact, it was just to help re-enforce the direction that helps me grow.

My life came to a head this Wednesday when I sat in on a philosophy class sponsored by my church. The class really just talked about the "Will" what it is, how to recognize it, and how to follow it.

Now, for those who neither understand nor follow my philosophy; this statement is so easy to read much horror into. Cultism, ego-centricism, heresy, sacrilege, etc.

i'm going to put down my views of this for me. Read them if you Will, ignore them if you wish. But they are my thoughts for me.

Will, is the act of being the best you the universe hopes you can be. trying to excel in what you are good at. Avoiding that which slows that progress. Admitting to your demons. Doing what you can to grow in a self-enriching way... every day. The True Will, is the Perfect Me.

What does this mean to others? If I am on the path of being the perfect me, I CAN NOT get in the way of the path of someone working to their own perfect them. Any obstruction I become in someone else's path is meant in some way (that neither I nor they may understand) to help one or both of us, get further down the path.

I am. I can take responsibility for no one other than me. This does not mean that I can not take responsibilities. But I must learn when I am taking a responsibility; and when I am stealing one from another. Because in that offer and action...that is when I have done the most damage.

I must be true an honest to who I am. Because if I am... then no one should be able to say I am being self-destructive. I will only be self-constructive. (How's that for a term you NEVER hear.)

This is admittedly just rambling. But the truth of the matter is. I've been screwing up a lot my entire life. I look back and think "None of my screwing up was intentional" And the scariest response to that is that I am very much not as proud on reflection on that I think I should be. (You can work that out later)

Sure, I could be proud and think, "I've never intended to screw up." And most will be ready to chime in and say, "You're damn right you have no right to be proud. You think your intentions were so damned pure."

But my lack of pride comes not from whether my intentions were good or not. My lack of pride comes from always trying to identify what I perceived to be the least offensive response. My overly analytical mind tried to find the quickest cleanest fix at the time. No evaluation whatsoever of the long range. Of what my temporary fix would do for the long term.

Well... Theory and practice being what it's worth.... That's just a bunch of me sitting in my apartment clumping away on a box.

Where do I go from here?

I find a way to monitor myself. I look deeper inside to identify when I'm lying to myself. Yes, lying to myself. Forcing myself to believe at the deepest levels that I'm being honest about something I don't agree with is still just lying to myself.

I buckle down. I notch up. Maybe I stay distant from involved relationships for a while.

I sit back and realize that my past stupidity has chased people that were friends; completely out of my life for ever.

I think I'm growing. I think I've learned a lot in 2003. I think I have still more to fix and grow on.

But I honestly like myself. (I smirk as I realize the expression on my face really doesn't reenforce that thought.)

I'll be trying to post the good, the bad, and the ugly as they occur and some of the past in the journal. I've been looking at stock-market-like trend-lines of my posting frequency. I'm out of shape, so to speak. I'm below my 200, 100, 50, and even 5 day average. So the restart may be a bit slow. Or it may explode out of the gate and then falter after the first turn.

But it's going to be me. I hope. Because, I'm the only one who really knows what's going on in my world. And I gotta at least be honest to me.

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Introspection is a good thing to do once in awhile. Sometimes our most valuable insights come from our deepest pains.

Just remember you are human and permit yourself to still make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes on your path, just try to learn from them and grow from them.

My only addition to your philosophy is that while on my path of self discovery and growth, to try not to cause any unneccesary harm or pain to any other living creature. If I can help ease another's pain and help them on their path, so much the better.

I think my path in this life is to be a healer, to heal myself from things that I pray were not intended to happen to me in this life, but have, and I'm using them to make myself stronger and help those around me; and to help others to heal, learn and grow on their path.

My toughest obstacle is to learn is that it is not my responsibility to heal others to the point that it hurts myself (i.e. - let myself be abused)

Good luck, I'm proud of you for making this step. Remember there are many people that love you and support you for just whom you are.

... try not to cause any unnecessary harm or pain to any other living creature.

This is a wonderful statement. When I first started looking at religions, I looked at Wicca first because their belief is, "And it harm done, do what ye will."

Granted, my first tastes of Wicca were very unpleasant to say the least. (She was a militant Dianic Wiccan)

Since then, I have fought with myself on judging on what I thought would harm someone. This is where I've gotten myself into trouble along those lines of "Stealing someone else's responsibility." I went so far as to empower someone with the statement, "The only thing that really hurts me is knowing that I've hurt you." It sounds really good in theory; but in practice... it gives someone the absolute power to control you by telling you, "Don't do that... it hurts me."

I love your wording, because you've used the (Wiccan used) word "Harm"

I spent time in a Wicca class later on after I'd chosen my path of Thelema trying to learn about Wicca. I accidentally took over a class one night when the question that was posed was, "What is harm"

Using what I said above, I perceive that harm is the active, knowledgeable action of pushing someone away from their path. I think this happens a lot in trying to get or maintain relationships. "I'll ply her with alcohol so that her inhibitions will drop." "I'll get pregnant so he has to stay with me." "I really don't think this is good for hir so I'll make them stop doing it."

I too want to ease pain. But this want has so many times come at the cost of my own soul and not been the 'right choice.' Or worse, not the way to implement the reduction of pain. And sadly... the hard view that we forget, "Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

I have yet to learn how to find that mitered balance between honesty to self, honesty to others, healing the pain, preventing the pain, causing the pain when necessary, and not taking responsibilities that aren't mine. It's a horrendous juggling act. But I'm still in the game ;)

My toughest obstacle is to learn is that it is not my responsibility to heal others to the point that it hurts myself

I am glad to believe that in truth none of us are really alone in that obstacle race.

The link above is bad. For now, use this link for the quotation

Maybe you dont remember me, but you gave me the free code for my LJ

I wonder where you've been. Good to see that past the fires, there is nothing but a little soot to be brushed off. Like you the past year was one filled with trials and betrayals that I would have never seen coming.

In our darkness hour, the light comes from within, unlike others we rise again.

Blessed be and may this year bring nothing but good things

It took me a moment, but.....

If memory occurs, it was because I was the (i don't remember this)th user on an 80's site. I suggested you check out LJ, and you've been quite active ever since. P.S. you really should look at my userinfo page and add yourself to my blog pedigree tree ;)

The year is off to a good start. I think you for the bright blessings and return the thought by saying, 93; 93, 93/93; agape; and thelema ;)

Re: It took me a moment, but.....

You signed up there. And yes Lj has been quite helpful; it got me out of an awful writer's block.

Did I ever thank you? Merci!

Re: It took me a moment, but.....

I remember that nite ;)
I was the other little lost lamb you introduced to the world of LJ that nite in Chat, and I Thanked you my first LJ entry for it, but Thanks again Andrei. :)
I'm not as active as some, but I try. =\

You and I had a long conversation concerning (among other things), the "Silent Running (On Dangerous Ground)" Music Video by Mike + The Mechanincs, which unfortunately I've yet to conclude my searches on this enigma(I refuse to give up), though I've found some other useless info since then, nothing concrete. Pretty much the same stuff you and others posted in your LJ way back in July, over and over again. *sigh*


And I've missed seeing you, Per, and the Pook. I feel like I submerged myself into a tank. And I'm wandering around again. I will have to invite you both/all over for movies (We do Buffy nights on occassion) I really owe you folks for Ocean's 11 which has become a favourite movie.

Nice to see you out and about again Andrei.
I don't know what to say that hasn't been said already, I hope things are brighter and better for you this year.

This past year was bad for me as well, and the new year has already started off bad, I just hope it brightens up 'fore too long.

Blessed Be.

The thought is the most important.

2002 just seemed to be icky for everyone. I think we need to organize a huge, "Thank gods it's 2003" event.

93, 93/93

P.S. the icon is hot!

Good luck with your newfound resolution. It will take time, but eventually you'll know what is pushing you off the path.


Marybeth, thanks for the wishes. It's not been an easy trip and the trip ahead is no less well travelled. But it's always good to hear words of support from those who have known you longest.

i really related to your journal. It reinforced a lot of what I have felt of late. Esp. "I sit back and realize that my past stupidity has chased people that were friends; completely out of my life for ever." That brought back a lot of memories.

I wish you the best in trying to get to where you need to go. *hugs*

Now to the next phase

The trick of course is that the stupidities I saw in my actions do not mesh up with the stupidities that the lost friends saw in motivation to them. Those will almost never align. The hard part is not committing the personal stupidities; so that it's easier to deal with when others think they see stupidity.

Does this make any sense to anyone but me ;?)

thanks for the wishes :)

Does that mean I might have come in at the wrong year?

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