I need to step back. I've been swooping down into depression this past week and work has been helping it along. The giant swoop that is. I realized I began to pull myself out of it this past week by doing some things with the order (I have Mass tomorrow (Weak knees)) as well as the more important thing. I've been listening to music again.
Lately (weeks onto months) I've been listening to an all-news talk-radio station. I think this was prompted by the fact that my cassette deck died and I don't really want to lay out to $3-400 to fix it. L.A. FM radio also (like so many other cities) sucks. None-the-less, thru less than legal methods, I'm now listening to music in my car again. And most importantly, this is my music I'm listening to.
More and more, I'm finding that the only successful relationships that I will find will depend on an enthusiastic reaction to both my music, and a desire to sing along in the car out loud with no concern for how good it sounds. (But I'd hope that my partner has at least a tolerable voice.)
Last night I found myself listening to the Moulon Rouge soundtrack. Granted I spent half the time marveling at why they decided to have Ewen McGreggor do 'Octave Hops' throughout his songs. One, it's difficult for most singers; two, it gives no directorial reason beyond, "Look what I can do"; and three, it pushes it out of my theoretical range ;) However, I focused on lyrics; which I tend to be very bad at. I listened to the words, "I will love you; until the end of time."
I wondered if I could ever sing this to anyone, truthfully. And with me, I know that truth and exaggeration has been a battle that I have begun to fight on a daily basis. A quest for absolute honesty causes emotionally charged, grandiose statements fall prey to cynicism. (Looks back...well, there's a hell of a quotation) None the less, I've begun to examine emotion as something that is neither continual, linear, or necessarily relevant to time.
Love, for example, is one of those horrifically nebulous concepts that have plagued humankind since we dared apply the word to a cataclysmic cavalcade of comedic cavorting. (Okay, that was forced)... But ever since we decided there was such a Beast as love, we have killed ourselves in the quest of it and driven ourselves mad at its analysis.
So could I ever look someone in the eye and tell them I love them until my dying day. And despite questing to speak honestly, and accurately, I think I've gotten at least a handle on some things. I've realized the fact that my deepest feelings for people don't change just because the more apparent feelings need to go thru adjustment. Even the people who I've cared about in the past who have thrown the most in front of me are people who I genuinely hope will find prosperity and happiness. These are still people that it hurts to hear bad tidings over. I know I've spoken angrily about these people and they probably have of me to...But it doesn't change the fact that deep inside of me is the reminder of how deeply I grew to care for them at one time.
does this mean all my ex's should be concerned that I'm going to undermine their relationships and try to get them back.... Rolls eyes. *sigh* No. (Ben-ism) No, no. No; nono...no. I've also learned that if I really care about someone it's best that I be able to discover when the deeper more intimate relations with the person would not be constructive or worse destructive. I care deeply about these people and always will...But it's there lives and whatever was meant to come off of our interaction has come and gone.
I can love these people and yet not let that emotion drive my interactions with them. I can also be friends with people I love, I can also dislike people I love. They as well as me, need to follow their own path.
This at least has made me more comfortable in how I perceive love
So... After having my realization... I really started getting into my music again. This morning, random play presented me with a song that I really like. (this falls back into the whole, "My partner will be patient and understanding of my tastes in music") The song is simply called The Duel and is from a film called Electric Dreams. The song is by Giorgio Moroder. The film is about a nebbish kind of guy who buys his first computer and it goes sentient on him. Complete fantasy.
Well, in the film, the (somedirection)stairs neighbor is a cello player. She starts playing a classical piece. the piece was J.S. Bach's "Menuet" from Ana Magdalena & Friedman Bach Book. while she plays, the computer which has just become sentient begins playing it back electronically. The two musicians start tossing the melody back and forth. the duet, again called The Duel builds in complexity and intensity. (At least to a non-musician)
And that is where it hits me. I realize that this piece was written by one person. However, I have watched musicians do this. I've even begun to get an idea how to do this with my Doumbek...Or will at least continue with the Travesty Mark II. I realize also that this piece really is kitsch. It's all electronic (even the cello). But there's something in the piece that touches me on a level that is incredibly deep.
You watch an unspoken conversation occur. Communicated only by the magick that is the language of music. This is why I have great admiration for people like my ex-house-mate lrstrobel, who understands this and can direct and hold conversations in this. I see music as a key to emotions. Linked notes and phrases that evoke imagery, feeling, understanding, and even spirituality.
I realized that finding a way to communicate on a level this deep with another person. Knowing what they are going to say or knowing how to react when they throw a surprise in such a way that they can take your reaction the same way...Where both of you can just take what goes between you like a growing dynamic entity... to me... this is real magick. This is something that makes me buzz inside with warmth. Like music.. i just don't have the words...
However... While I sit there thinking about my happy place... Work has just called again with more crap... There are parts about my job that I truly, truly hate.