Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman
lordandrei

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It was the best of days... it was the worst of days

Well, what a day we've had....


And yet, despite yesterday's panic attacks I managed to pack up about 7 boxes. This morning I sent the first pair off. *sighs* 2 boxes and that was $35. I have at least 50 to go. Guess that curtails any activities for a while.

I find myself detaching more and more from my past. More and more I discover that I have (fingerquotes) issues and problems. I'm dealing with them but dealing with some brings uglier ones to the surface. Dr S. is currently reccommending what everyone has said all along. Don't think about the reasons..just do/fix it.

It's funny because nothing I do will 'fix' the past. If I hold true to the word I gave once and see it thru, it's still to late. I f-ed up and will hold a lack of respect for it. If I don't hold true to my word, all it does is validate what some people already think of me. There is no redemption. But then again... redemption is in self and ones view of the divine. You can't get redemption from others. Because, as has been drilled into me repeatedly; what others think.... really shouldn't matter.

So, like I said, I'm detaching from the past. Between the mistakes of my past and the incessant 'whining' one could perceive that I've done in my journal... I often find it a surprise that people even still read it. Maybe to some it's a way to feel better about themselves to see someone else slogging thru their own inner turmoil. Maybe to some, they actually see the growth and change and hope to see me reborn anew as the me I have always had the potential of being. Maybe there are even a few out there rooting for me to fail. And yes, still a few who just haven't been bothered to remove me from their list and occassionally stumble on my posts.

In two days the longest year, two months, ten days of my life will be over. In humourous parlance, "I'm gonna get blown up." My death in the order has come to a conclusion and now it is time for every last bit of my ego to get smashed out and destroyed. My biggest discovery... Anything that you haven't dealt with in life... attacks you in death. Vengefully, angrily, and destructively. Each time I think I've escaped something; it comes and bites me.

But I've managed to push thru it. Face the demons one by one. I don't enjoy the battle. (And for a multi-Aries, that is in fact saying something.) I feel like I've lost alot. In all senses. Material, Intellectual, Emotional. I'm not sure if I've even begun to recognize the things I've gained. It's easier to see the things you know you had than recognize the new things you've been given.

And now, 2 days before the end of death. One more demon of life has appeared on my doorway. This was a horrible, ugly demon that I thought had simply faded back to the ill-conceived pit wherein it was borne under someone else's hand. Such seems not the case. This demon attacks anew from out of the darkest recesses of my past. This fight will be ugleier than all the others. Because on this one... I know I am right in my actions and I'm entirely on my own to face it. 100%.

For someone who finds himself a slave to external validation; this becomes a terrifying prospect. It's all on my self-confidence. I either face it full on, alone... Or it will rend me to shreds. And the worst part of all is... There is no win whatsoever against this demon. If I win.. I lose... If I lose... I lose. But the fight has been brought to me. And now... I will deal with it.

And as I sit here, preparing to pull 2-4 more boxes out of storage... I think about this new demon. And another small part of a dwindling heart turns another degree or two colder. Will I ever be able to trust myself or anyone else enough to ever love again?

Sadly, the only way I feel about it all is... ambivelent. Right now, I don't really care if I find my way into caring again.
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