I'm making these posts for me. I'm making them public, because I don't really believe I'm hurting anyone else with anything I have to say. I welcome comments, but again, this is more for me.
I said in my last post that this has been quite the year. The past 16 months have been... (I find myself at a loss for words)
Someone commented that when you go thru an initiation in the OTO your life changes. You change Jobs, relationships, cities, beliefs. At the time I laughed it off saying that a ritual couldn't do that. Only a person could do that to themselves. Many have called it "Karmic Accelleration"
Me? I still look at anything occult with a pillar of salt and an eye of wonder. (Not even come to a Zeugma, but interesting.)
None the less, in the past 16 months I have:
- Ended a 6 year relationship
- Lost the use of, regained the use of, and paid off my car
- Openly gone poly and watched it blow up in multiple directions
- Had at least 2 mental breakdowns
- 4 bad relationships
- battered several old friendships
- Began Hypontherapy and Psychiatry
- Declared myself not Poly
- Wigged out publically
- Acknowledged a poly relationship
- Directed a show that has been fraught with running nightmares
Despite all of this. Even on a day like today where I feel 'uncomfortable' with the world around me... I feel good about who I am and that I'm coming out of a dark tunnel and emerging into someone I have always wanted to be. Someone that the people around me I really trust have always seen within me.
(Someone who needs to pause to fetch laundry)
I'm in a bit of a bittersweet, melancholy. I realize I have much further to go. But, I guess it's a good thing, that at least I can see where I need to go and am finding the ways to get there. It's become frightening, but no longer overwhelming. There are days that feel like 2 step forwards a mile back. But, there has been forward motion. (I feel like I'm talking about the stock market)
It's funny, my hypnotherapist is trying to get an advanced degree in advanced psychotherapy. My psychiatrist works in experimental psychology. So I have to 'experts' on opposite ends of the scale who both look away from the extreme end tey are seen on towards a happy medium that make them both more 'legitimate' in my mind.
I have so much further to go. *laughs to self* and there are still so many days that i look at myself and think "I'm 34 1/2 and I'm just seeing this about yourself. Gods, I'm more broken than I thought." And there are other days that I feel like I just glow.
So, here I am. I am getting to know the person I am. The things I like to do. The things that make me happy and give me a sense of accomplishment. I'm trying to be less afraid of 'pleasuring myself" (And no.. not like that.) An I'm not needing as much external validation to do so. In the mean time, I'm slowly facing the demons of the things I don't like and beating them down. It's hard...it's slow.. And some are still not budging. But I'm getting closer.
And this makes me feel good. (This statement even caused me to crack a slight smile in my seemingly stoic mood)
I'm not the most energetic right now... I'm not the 'happiest right now" But I feel good about myself... and even a bit optimistic. (Now, all I have to do is keep that feeling in me.)