This has been an interesting journey. My role could be defined as a 'torch bearer.' It's been quite some time since I've acted in someone else's performance. I've been trying to get into one of the Rites for quite some time. At first I was rather put off by the entire thing. This is not being directed like any play that I've been in... in the past. At first it seemed incredibly disorganized. I couldn't have been more wrong in my initial perceptions.
This of course has got me thinking about myself. One of my actresses scolded me this week; reminding me that the world does not revolve around me. In retrospectl it's good that I didn't contemplate offering the philosophical arguement on this.
"What a year this has been"
My mind races down several different paths; initiating into the IIIrd degree in the OTO, getting active in the mass, directing again, cleaning up things, losing things. Quite the year of transformation. I feel big and small at the same time.
I'll pull myself back to the topics.
Last night was a dress/tech rehearsal. It started to come together. I felt like we had something that would not be an embarassment to show. It felt like we were creating magick like I did in Daniel and like I did in Directing class. Last night touched something in me and I honestly feel some nervousness about this evening's performance. It was becoming real for me again.
Theatre hasn't been real for me in several years. Maybe that's why I stopped. So many shows that went wrong because of poor planning and execution. I know I can be anal and pre-plan things. I've just gotten away with letting things slide for too long. When I put effort in things come out so much better.
I tried to randomly track down a job for years; but when I actually put my mind to a plan..it came together. It all sounds so rediculously simple when you look at it that way. *shakes head* It's always obvious when you're preaching to someone else.
So, tonight is Venus. And I have a new found respect for the director. I mean I had a level of respect for her in the past, but it's gone up alot higher. This is not a traditional performance or a traditional show. It iws a magickal working tied into theatrical performance. The environment has to be different. And she has made the environment the most condusive to bring out what the actors need, expect, and want to be motivated to give what is needed.
I've lost site of these things in my own ability as a producer/director. I think I've learned a lot the past few months. I think I can count this as YAX (Yet another experience) that at least I'm keying into enough to get something out of.