Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman
lordandrei

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From a post on a mailing list

I received one of those 'list of' mailings on one of my (ironically enough) mailing lists.

This one may be a bit mature for your average audience, but YMMV.

Subject: How to gracefully refuse a BDSM scene:


I need to spend more quality time with my vibrator.

Maybe you haven't heard, but I've gone vanilla.

I need to check the expiration dates on the condoms.

I only play with quadsexual transgendered aliens with Elvis fetishes.

I'm in a consensual scene deprivation scene, hope you understand.

Yes, I love medical scenes. You don't mind if I role-play Kevorkian, do you?

If either of us use a safeword at any time the scene will end. The safeword is RED, oops, I'm sorry. Scene's over.

I can't, I have to go home and alphabetize my lubes.

I'm saving myself for Sean Connery.

I feel I know you already. you remind me of ex. Did you ever meet the (*$%ing piece of (*$%? God, I never wanted to hurt anybody so bad. I think I'd kill if I thought I saw my ex again.

There's only one thing a sadist like me can say to that offer. NO.

You'll have to ask MstrClules@a... He's not on now, though, his wife is awake.

I'm not sure if I can, let me make a quick call to the parole board and see if it's ok with them.

I need you to sign a form stating that you won't hold me responsible in the event you lose a testicle.

Well, my 96-year old grandmother is visiting, she's a bit senile and I hate to leave her alone. You wouldn't mind if she joined in, would you?

Hmm, I do it the same way I do it online, right?

Your eyes are saying yes yes and my common sense is saying no no.

Play? You mean like a game? Anytime! Do you know how to play canasta?

My inner dominant is spanking my inner child. I'll get back to you when they're done.

OK. Huh? No, I saw him first! So what, he asked me, not you! Oh, you think you're so hot just because you have scales and antennae. Shut up! Sorry, you know how it is -- let the Zargonites communicate with you a few dozen time by telepathy and they think they own your body.

We're totally incompatible. I have a brain.
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