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Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

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Andrei in the office

Ehyeh asher ehyeh

Apart from Facebook and Twitter (of which are still somewhat 'toys' to me) I have not been online very much the past few weeks, months, etc..

As I like to often quote "Yes" from 90125 (not to be confused with 90210), "I'm going through some changes"

My wonderful partner, spouse, and all around awesome H-like one has one. If you're not reading The Living Artist, you're really missing out. LJ Users can quick add a feed from this link which takes you to livingartist. I find myself wanting to write a blog.

Granted, I find myself captivated in anything neat I see. I see a martial arts movie, I want to learn martial arts. I see a super-hero flick... I want to have super powers. I see an amazing blog.. I want to blog. So much I want to do. But my motivation is curtailed by the obvious lack of time and the less obvious lack of ability to do or follow through.

I think this is because I can't just go from point A to point B. I look at the path between and try to figure out how to make it as glorious as possible. A colleague referred to this as "Analysis Paralysis." This may seem a bit complex (ironic, that) so I'll give an example.

There is a meme going around where people post pictures of 'their type.' This effectively means people of a specific body type that interests the meme participant. I like meme's that take apart my own sexuality and relationships. They help me expose more of myself to the person who needs to see that raw truth the most. Me. Unfortunately, these memes have a strange way of getting out of my control and more often than naught blowing up in my face.

My most memorable example of this is a meme where I put 25 comments about 25 people in my blog. They were honest assessments of the people but I didn't identify who I was talking about in each one. One person came to the erroneous misinterpretation that I was stalking and harassing them. I basically decided to never talk about or think about the person again due to the assanine reaction. This is the first time this person has come to mind ever since.

But (as is my way) I digress. The "what is your type meme" came around and I posted in twitter that relationship memes where I get to tug on honesty tend to have strange side effects. The mere statement of which had the strange side effect of getting into a conversation about the sexual self awareness of 'guys' over 'girls' in the male ability to identify a type. The irony here was that the meme as I'd seen it to that point had only be done by women. (About 8-10).

None the less, I worked on rounding up pictures of the women that are my type. I came up with 20 pictures. I break the pictures into 4 groups: My upbringing, the modern celebrities, a term I can't print that represents my shallow side, and then contemporary crushes. The latter group are pictures of people I know that have been posted publicly that sort of fit the mould. Some I've dated, some I'd give up internal organs to date and some... no... I think that's pretty much all of them.

You may notice 4 paragraphs later. Point A to point B grows out of control. While you can tell I've already separated my pictures (the gallery of which came from assistance from jnanacandra). What troubles me is the fact that I've tried to put together web pages and charts analyzing why these people are in this gallery. To me it makes perfect sense. It helps me analyze what I like and where it came from.

The problem is, that in my crazy little head (It's all in your mind, you just have no idea how big a place that is - LMD) it not only makes sense; but seems to be the only solution to warrant the project. But then again, my last mental health professional was a clinical psychiatrist and very merrily pointed out that everyone is schizophrenic to some level and should be medicated.

So rather than embarass myself, someone I know informally, or come off like a geek that really just needs to have his head patted while you pass him a cookie; I over engineer some posts into oblivion and sometimes try to surreptitiously back into them by going meta on them when they aren't looking.

Granted, that's not the only reason I have had much to post about. Like everyone else; 2008 hasn't been my favourite year. I haven't had much to say about it; because I try not to be a 14-year-old girl on livejournal filling post after post with AHNGST (sic). Relationship issues (the secondaries), work issues, raising a toddler, and that minor thing that's left my wife with chronic spinal damage.

It's all happened. None of it was any 'one's fault. It sucks, I tried (and continue) to do the right thing and play the cards that life deals me. Despite the agressive nature of poker; you'll discover that I've learned to be very conservative on deals of weak or bad hands. And as a result life's gotten very insular for me. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish many of the things that happened this year... hadn't happened. There are a couple of things that happened that needed to happen. I deal... I go on. I just try to be a good person.

Because despite the way that "liber al" may read to some... Even trying to be a Good person" fits the bill of true Thelema. I view my beliefs, my philosophy, and my actions as I did from the first day I heard the words of the prophet:

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

I suppose that's not the prophet that some might have thought I was referring to. Did I mention my mind does its own thing? Thelema is another one of those things that has been very difficult for me over the last 3 years. Something else I really don't talk (write) about. In the last two years I've seen two growing trend in the philosophy. Both of which make me very unhappy.

Number one is "My way or the highway." This general attitude has boiled down to such phrases as, "Bad thelemite", "Oath breaker", "No clue about thelema", "Obviously you feel/practice/believe..." From my interpretation... each one of these is an abslute anathema to me. But in so far as that is the rub. (I'll explain that previous and cryptic sentence). In my eyes; Thelema is a two fold job. First and foremost is discovering your own Will. I'd use terms such as Way or Path; but they are to limiting. I often dumb it down to explain, "Understaning not merely who you are; but revelling in that person for who they are." The second (and harder job) is acknowledging that everyone around you has that same universal right. The first rule is put into one syllable words in Liber Oz. The second rule is inferred by the text.

So what's the rub? Anyone out there who is perceiving themselves as Thelemic and can only do so by challenging the behaviours of others and posssibly unknowingly destroy the work that those others are doing... If that is the only way they know... then they too are thelemic. Even as they doubt every thing you say, tear apart your arguements with logical fallicies, condemn others hypocritically, abuse power, etc... These people are being true to their inner nature. And they have a right to it. Just as you have the absolute right; not to deal with it. I disagree with these types of people; probably as much as they'd label me a "bad thelemite". But, it is not my place (in my interpretation) to try to fix their (in my eyes) abherant behaviour.

Number two is that thelema has become a line in the sand between members of the OTO and people who dislike the OTO. It has become impossible to be an OTO ambivelent practioner of Thelema. I really don't want to take this specific topic any further as any opinions I may have on it will obviously be challenged by one or both sides due to my perceived lack of neutrallity.

I do a quick stat and see that I'm just shy of 1500 words. I marvel at how hard that number was when I was in High School. Now it just seems to run off rather naturally. You see (imaginary reader) that Point A to Point B just happens when I let it. No thinking. No over analyzing. Just do it. (As quoted by the Greek Goddess of Victory and Swooshy corporate logos).

But this is how my mind works. It's my place. I write as I will. I talk as I talk. And as the Jews quoted God when asked to self-identify by Moses as the bush burned"

Ehyeh asher ehyeh
I am that I am.

Before I utterly fall asleep for the 15 minutes until aiden_freeman wakes up and cries me to rescue him from the large and evil, corridor-monster; I have to contemplate if I will lj-cut this post. As always; doing so gaurentees that few peope will actually read the material. Which like all other things... suits me just fine.

I end with a call for comments. I'm curious if people have an opinion about this. And most of my writing. I really don't have a huge context for thought process once I get out of my own head. So I have to use yours.


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Number two is that thelema has become a line in the sand between members of the OTO and people who dislike the OTO. It has become impossible to be an OTO ambivelent practioner of Thelema.

I don't believe that for a minute, because my direct experience contradicts it. I would say that in a larger sense, people who are interested in thelema qua thelema (known by that name and related to the current that was expressed by Rabelais and Crowley) are a pretty small slice of the population pie.

Within that subset, there are an awful lot of people who aren't in the OTO and aren't thinking about the OTO very much, nor are they dialoguing about the OTO with OTO members or anyone else. Maybe they have at some point, and decided it's not for them, but beyond that, on to whatever it is they *are* doing. Seriously.

Haven't you met some? You probably wouldn't meet them at OTO events or social occasions. I tend to encounter them in the larger magical and spiritually aware community. Generally, they are well read and syncretic in their beliefs, and not so interested in coloring between lines drawn by the Order or perhaps anyone besides themselves in the larger sense (in the smaller sense, most successful magicians are pretty damned efficient at following instructions toward a purpose, which is a trait they share with many fine cooks).

So this "line in the sand" you mention? Imo, it's something that looks really big from the OTO side of things, and once you move out, it's almost invisible and only becomes apparent if you start talking to OTO members or ex-members who concern themselves with it.

Edited at 2008-12-07 02:03 pm (UTC)

I hear what you're staying. I've often thought that I would have become a Thelemite if it hadn't been for the Thelemites - much like I would have joined the OTO if it hadn't been for the OTO.
I hope your year ends well. This toddler thing is pretty challenging, I'm discovering.

No real comment, unfortunately, perhaps due to reading so early in the day. But read I did.

Thank you for sharing that. I don't know enough to comment intelligently... I need to learn more, and figure out many things.

i'm relatively ambivalent about the oto. i also don't call myself a thelemite, although i probably wouldn't object too hard if someone else called me one -- i do have a certain investment in crowley's writings. but i wonder if the impression that one cannot be ambivalent is related to the fact that one either has to JOIN or NOT, and JOINING is always made out to be a very big deal by those inside.

also, the internet is the best place to find the vocal, highly opinionated minority on any issue. if your main interactions with a group are there, the group is always going to look fraught.

it's been a hard year for y'all. i hope 2009 will be better.

I don't know that I'm informed enough to comment, but I did read it so just wanted to let you know :)

Nothing superclever to say, but I am reading and listening:)

I hear ya on the "type" thing. There was a convo starter on a list I'm on that started out with the question "What hair color do you prefer on men?"

My reaction was "Buh? I don't notice hair color!" Heck, I don't notice genitalia, either! Male, female...it doesn't play a factor. It's a personality thing. The first thing I notice are eyes, and that's that.

(Deleted comment)
he is gathering information...info=$$$$ to highest bidders. as he says, and i quote, "man has the right to write as he will..." but verily i say he most likely wont allow my reply to stand. however, in any which case, he's either extremely confused or thinks he's clever, since i doubt he just likes to hear himself talk... ENJOY!!!!

Actually wrong on every count

Personally, my initial response was to mark this random comment as spam.

I'm not collecting data for the intent of selling it. I have better things to do with my time than try to sell the piddling amount of hits that this LJ gets. I also value certain privacies. That meaning, you come here, the data is mine and nobody else's.

You're also wrong on your use of Verily. I was a theatre major and a member of SCA. The conjugation would be: But I doth verily... So the fruity, pseudo-magickal language just makes you sound silly.

I honestly don't think I'm clever. I've seen my IQ tests (For what lack of value that they are worth) and KNOW that I am clever. I am also confused though not extremely. Using simple boolean logic 0 | 0 = 0.

And for the sake of argument. I was a radio DJ. I happen to like to hear myself talk.

"But this is how my mind works. It's my place. I write as I will. I talk as I talk."

So do as you do, that's what this LJ/blog thing's for. If'n you want to make it glorious, that's cool, too.

I like reading what goes on/comes outta your brain/mind/fingers via LJ. More often feels like more in touch.

Re: This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

What immediately came to mind when I read this is: but what if you're an @sshole and/or sociopath who lives to be false to all/many others, who wants to look good, who lives for reputation and doesn't care 'bout consistency? (You in this came referring to "one," not to YOU specifically ;-)

That (in my mind) is the darkness of Thelema

Some may see it in themselves to help others who are sociopathic, others may simply avoid sociopaths.

The problem is that some people are simply going to be @ssholes no matter what you do. Sometimes it's hard to accept that this is the way some people are; but the hardest part can be the personal process of learning how to let go over someone who is that bad.

The way I learned it:
You have a close friend who has a penchant for being alcoholic. The person tends to ask for money, really hurts others, but they are none the less a good friend. How many times do you let that person drag you into their issues before you can't help them anymore? Some people have it in their nature to help and push and believe that the person will reform and stay there. Some will pull away feeling that the person has shown their true colours and that any further assistance will only hurt the non-alcoholic person.

It's a sticky wicket... but then again... when has philosophy not been as such.

It took me a while to finally read it all, but read it I did.

These stream-of-consciousness posts are always fun. I have to find some words myself in the next week.

With regards to Thelema and OTO, these topics are endlessly fascinating. I find also that almost anybody who will talk with me about them will tire of it before I will. Perhaps I am tiresome.

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