I don't remember what it was that pushed me over the edge. But I learned something about myself...or at least accepted the knowledge about something.
I seek outside validation on everything.
This is a hard thing to realize and acknowledge. Because it shows me that I don't have a lot of faith in my own actions or words. i realize that I tend to lose site from time to time that this is my journal, my words, my thoughts. For better or worse they are mine. I have offended many people wth my words. These entries are for me. Self-serving and self-indlulgent. Yup fully aware of this.
Not always intentionally, but truth be told... they are my words. I have lashed out in anger at people and done and said some truly horrible things. Things that I don't believe in, but said in the hopes they would hurt. An in truth... they don't help. Those things only make you angrier at yourself.
I told my friend today that one of my goals was probably motivated by all the wrong reasons. I want to become fit, trim, lean, muscular, and all around good looking. I think the motivation was to physically transform myself into one of those people that I hated so much as a teenager. Beautiful, distant, aloof, and superior to all those under me.
It's not a good motivation at all. But in truth I realize...if that is the reason... I'm not superior to anyone.
I'm afraid of my own words. I have this grand belief that my words will inevitably bring up the need for clean up. And in truth I really need to cut that out. And it's been a vicious and hard journey. I have this ridiculous need to prove myself and yet I keep trying to do this on the merits of someone else's evaluation.
There's more but I can't find the words. I need to keep feeling and looking.