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Andrei in the office

lordandrei

Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness


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Andrei in the office
lordandrei

Letting go....

For some reasons, I have a hard time 'letting go..."


Note: Not in a bad mood. More in an internal searching mood.

I have loads of names in my IM lists of people I don't talk to anymore, ex-gf's, and people who've pretty well blown me off whenever I talk to them.... I wonder why I can't just let it go. I keep all this clutter of garbage around. My most recent ex complained that she felt crowded out by the anti-her stuff. Well, that wasn't quite the way she put it.

I've found there are two really good way to hurt me and set me off. Real knife to the throat, hurt.

One is to tell me I don't believe something after I've stated and said it repeatedly until I'm blue in the face. Or worse to just tell me to go do something I said I don't want to do, because you know I really want to do it anyway.

I just lose it. Entirely. Completely. It's worse that calling Marty a chicken in back to the Future 2 & 3 (As we know this was merely a side affect of going forwards in time, it didn't happen in the first)

The second one causes more internal pain. This is more knife to the heart kind of pain.

When I suggest to someone to do something or ask if they are interested in something and they deny it vehemently. I wouldn't do it. I don't like it. Then they go do it with someone else.

Example:
ME: You should see the new movie "X" I think you'd really love it, it's great
Person: Nah, not my thing. Don't want to see it.

(2 weeks later)

Person: "Y" took me to see movie "X" he said I'd enjoy it! It was so awesome.
ME: Yeah...great.

It's at these times that it's so hard not to take something personally.

I'm tired of feeling blown off by people. I often wonder if it's me or the people I choose to be in contact with. I stated a while ago, that many of the people I talk to online I often chase down. I initiate conversations with them

Which takes me back to my list of people. I really need to clean house. And not just literally. Purge the past. Keep only the things that push me forwards.

A digression and recent experience.
I went to classmates recently and looked at my college. The year before my graduating class. I found a 'her.' there were four of us that hung out my first 2-3 years at college. Me, my roommate, his girlfriend, and her roommate. 'Her' was "C" the roommate. I remember when she was going to graduate she was not finding a relationship she wanted and was just contemplating marrying some guy that I got the impression she wasn't interested in.

In college, I was crazy about her. She knew this. Which absolutely guaranteed me "Friendship" and nothing really more. She'd go on the occasional group date with me. (the four of us). It was always quite gentlemanly. I remember once she went to my Greek Formal with me while I was a pledge. (Yeah, i pledged and shortly thereafter de-pledged a social greek) "C" got falling down drunk. I took her back to her room and she looked at me.
"I know you want me, You know you want me. And now you have every chance to be with me..."
I looked at her and said, "Yeah, you're right. I really like you a lot. But if anything is going to happen between us, I want it because we both want it to happen, not because the alcohol has made it easier for you. I want you...Not drunk you." I made sure she was safely in bed and left.

Such the life of a white knight. Anyways...in the long run..I was really never much more than 'a guy that hung out and did things for her.'

So now...it's nearly 15 years later. I toss her a message thru Classmates that I was surprised to see her there and told her to drop a line. She sent mail with pictures (she hasn't changed physically at all). She recently had her first child (February) with the guy she said she was going to marry. She has since college also relocated to Southern California. I drop her a note about my work the last few years and how I wound up also in So. Cal. I sent a picture and said that we should get together and catch up and reminisce. She and hers (Family) and me and ...well me.

Since then... No response.

This will be the 2nd or third time that I've emailed someone I knew a long time ago. The pattern is usually the same.
Me: Text message, hi!
Them: Hey! Me til now!(with picture)
Me: cool! Me til now (with picture)
No response.

Maybe I should just take it as a hint that if they don't want to interact with me to just let go. Dump it all. Erase it...forget it all.

I mean... why am I the one who puts in a bunch of effort and then ends up with IM's like:
ME: Heya!
Them: Oh, heading off. Later!

And as always, single makes it so much harder, because you crave interaction with people. But in general, people don't want to be around someone who 'wants interaction'

*sigh*

Okay, let's go on to the next slide.


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This may or may not be the case with the people you are getting hold of, but...

I've noticed that many people in the Bay area, self included, are flakes. They go into cycles where their job takes complete control of their lives and they blow everyone off for a few months. Just when you write them off, you get a call saying "hi, do you want to get together for dinner in an hour?".

Luckily, since just about everyone does this, when I go though these same cycles, my friends understand.

Would love to make time to hang out and such at a point when neither of us are terribly busy. Money is, of course, an issue for me, but I still would love to hang out sometime. Let me know. Call or email.

*snuggles*

I know that I go through phases with "old" friends. I also know that I go through phases replying to e-mail. I sometimes mean to reply, but don't for some strange reason. There is always the possibility that e-mail failed for some reason.

I have a friend that periodically sends me e-mail and I perodically send stuff back, but it is by no means regular. I don't always reply and he doesn't either. We don't take this as disinterest, we just take it as a fact of life.

Speaking as someone who is packing everything under G*ds green earth,

There is no shame in throwing things out. Nostalgia is good. it reminds us of where we have been, and where we are, and the differences/similarities of such.

However, if you are surrounding yourself with it, it ends up being a constant reminder of what-could-have-been, and what-ifs.

If you have more nostalgia around you than what can get squirrelled away in the bottom of a closet, it is time to throw away the stuff that has lost true meaning.
If it is something that causes you active pain, when you pick it up, then it should go. If it makes you smile a little, then keep it. (usually that pares it down quite a bit)

As a person, you are bright, talented, and energetic when you are inspired.
As a friend you are loyal, and while frustrating sometimes, a good listener, and generous with hugs.

Those my dear, are precious things. Don't let the past erode that from you.

As HH the Dalai Lama said at soldiers&sailors, "What is the past? What is the future? A century? A year? A day? A minute? A second? Nothing? It is all now. The past is now. The future is now. Now is what matters."

(stick that in your crackpipe and smoke it...)
anyways it is time for me to away with myself. Sorry if it got a little long.

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