Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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Letting go....

For some reasons, I have a hard time 'letting go..."

Note: Not in a bad mood. More in an internal searching mood.

I have loads of names in my IM lists of people I don't talk to anymore, ex-gf's, and people who've pretty well blown me off whenever I talk to them.... I wonder why I can't just let it go. I keep all this clutter of garbage around. My most recent ex complained that she felt crowded out by the anti-her stuff. Well, that wasn't quite the way she put it.

I've found there are two really good way to hurt me and set me off. Real knife to the throat, hurt.

One is to tell me I don't believe something after I've stated and said it repeatedly until I'm blue in the face. Or worse to just tell me to go do something I said I don't want to do, because you know I really want to do it anyway.

I just lose it. Entirely. Completely. It's worse that calling Marty a chicken in back to the Future 2 & 3 (As we know this was merely a side affect of going forwards in time, it didn't happen in the first)

The second one causes more internal pain. This is more knife to the heart kind of pain.

When I suggest to someone to do something or ask if they are interested in something and they deny it vehemently. I wouldn't do it. I don't like it. Then they go do it with someone else.

ME: You should see the new movie "X" I think you'd really love it, it's great
Person: Nah, not my thing. Don't want to see it.

(2 weeks later)

Person: "Y" took me to see movie "X" he said I'd enjoy it! It was so awesome.
ME: Yeah...great.

It's at these times that it's so hard not to take something personally.

I'm tired of feeling blown off by people. I often wonder if it's me or the people I choose to be in contact with. I stated a while ago, that many of the people I talk to online I often chase down. I initiate conversations with them

Which takes me back to my list of people. I really need to clean house. And not just literally. Purge the past. Keep only the things that push me forwards.

A digression and recent experience.
I went to classmates recently and looked at my college. The year before my graduating class. I found a 'her.' there were four of us that hung out my first 2-3 years at college. Me, my roommate, his girlfriend, and her roommate. 'Her' was "C" the roommate. I remember when she was going to graduate she was not finding a relationship she wanted and was just contemplating marrying some guy that I got the impression she wasn't interested in.

In college, I was crazy about her. She knew this. Which absolutely guaranteed me "Friendship" and nothing really more. She'd go on the occasional group date with me. (the four of us). It was always quite gentlemanly. I remember once she went to my Greek Formal with me while I was a pledge. (Yeah, i pledged and shortly thereafter de-pledged a social greek) "C" got falling down drunk. I took her back to her room and she looked at me.
"I know you want me, You know you want me. And now you have every chance to be with me..."
I looked at her and said, "Yeah, you're right. I really like you a lot. But if anything is going to happen between us, I want it because we both want it to happen, not because the alcohol has made it easier for you. I want you...Not drunk you." I made sure she was safely in bed and left.

Such the life of a white knight. the long run..I was really never much more than 'a guy that hung out and did things for her.'

So's nearly 15 years later. I toss her a message thru Classmates that I was surprised to see her there and told her to drop a line. She sent mail with pictures (she hasn't changed physically at all). She recently had her first child (February) with the guy she said she was going to marry. She has since college also relocated to Southern California. I drop her a note about my work the last few years and how I wound up also in So. Cal. I sent a picture and said that we should get together and catch up and reminisce. She and hers (Family) and me and ...well me.

Since then... No response.

This will be the 2nd or third time that I've emailed someone I knew a long time ago. The pattern is usually the same.
Me: Text message, hi!
Them: Hey! Me til now!(with picture)
Me: cool! Me til now (with picture)
No response.

Maybe I should just take it as a hint that if they don't want to interact with me to just let go. Dump it all. Erase it...forget it all.

I mean... why am I the one who puts in a bunch of effort and then ends up with IM's like:
ME: Heya!
Them: Oh, heading off. Later!

And as always, single makes it so much harder, because you crave interaction with people. But in general, people don't want to be around someone who 'wants interaction'


Okay, let's go on to the next slide.

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