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Andrei in the office

lordandrei

Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness


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Andrei in the office
lordandrei

Down

... but not out (A work in progress)



So, I haven't really talked about it.... I've kind of been keeping it to myself.

Yeah, i got dumped on the last day of "our" vacation. I believe the official charge was, "Not good enough"

I don't want to linger on concerning the nature of the relationship or what happened any more than I'd want someone else's opinions of me littering their journal either. So the rest will be concerning me.

It hurt, it sucks. I'm trying to move on. I'm going to be okay.

I'm back to the proverbial square one on relationships.

As always, in trying to make the relationship strong, I focused on making the bonding elements stronger and the breaking elements weaker in me. This time around it was pro-communication (always big) and anti-poly. And it was really easy for me to do both.

I'm tired of being afraid of expressing how I feel. I've come to the point that I will tell you exactly how I feel. Yeah, I will hope to all hell that you don't get all offended by it. Yeah, I'll hope to all hell that you'll understand my feelings... But, I've pretty well given up that I will get these things. I have two very dear, very trusted friends who have stuck by me even at my worst. Even when we've fought, we've fought evn harder to right what has come between us.

fiannaharpar and schnookiemuffin (yeah, it does look silly when typed out) are both two of the more important people in my life and this typically translates to 'take a bullet' level. Both have been haranguing me to be open for years. Odd thing was that in general I thought I was. Only, in relationships I wasn't. In my last one..I was.

As for the anti-poly? That was easy. I recently came to the conclusion that I haven't gotten any relationships completely stable. If I can't stabilize one...how can I cover many? Also with the constant onslaught of being told how I was really poly; the combatant aries in me was willing to seethingly challenge the attack every time.

So, now I ask myself, "What is being Poly?"

I know it's not 'just because you support it.' I support Homosexuality, and as of yet am quite definitely only attracted to people not of my physical gender. So support is not sufficient.

It might be a question of "would you do it, if the situation was right?"

Dunno. Maybe...Maybe not. The other issue that came up for me was jealousy.

I thought I had that whole "Compersion" thing down. But concerning the recent, I was viciously jealous.

Hmmn, and now I'm getting sleepy trying to reason this out. I'm going to take people's advice; try to crash. Re-examine this tomorrow...


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If I can't stabilize one...how can I cover many?

indeed. that is the main problem I have with the poly lifestyle. (no offense intended to those who do practice it)
when you are alone, you only have to deal with a single entity.
when you are with another person there are 3 entities. you, the SO, and then both as a unit.
each having separate behaviors.

when you have 3 people, there is A, B, C, A+B, B+C, C+A, A+B+C, which is 7 entities. if any of the 3 is ubervolitile at any point, it destablizes the entire set.

I dont' even want to think about how unstable having 4+ people in a relationship together.

So, yeah, I suppose my liberalism only goes so far.

And it was really easy for me to do both.

When you feel like you are starting to care for someone it can be easy to either comrpomise what you once believed to be true and to right the problems that you feel you have made in past relationships.

Hang in there. Its hard to feel unwanted or unloved or things of that nature but there are people out there who love you and who care about you a great deal. It may not be exactly what you need to hear right now but you are a great guy and a wonderful friend. I appreciate all that you have done to kick me in the ass to get my butt in gear to actually follow what I believe.

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