Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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What to say...what to say

Last week I got into another fight with one of my closest friends. They've been happening a lot lately. One of my dark ugly secrets was put on the table for everyone to see. I was unfaithful to a woman I was with. I'd even gone so far as to get engaged to her. Despite all that, I was dumb.

We have since broken up. Or more correctly, I ended the relationship (at the time...much to her chagrin) I went out of my way to avoid or manupulate the topic with anyone when it came up. I'd really learned how to be a masterful liar. Hmmn. Some friend.

Last week, the woman I'd been dating asked me about it. She had one simple question....Why? The relationship was open, I could have told her about it initially, but I didn't. "Why?" When she asked, I had no quick answer.... This didn't exactly fill her with any warm fuzzies. All she saw was an act that attacked her self-esteem.

I explained to her, that I couldn't explain it. But I knew how wrong it was and it added to why I ended the relationship, because I knew I was f***ing up. And she meant so much more to me as a friend that I had to get her away from me before I made it worse. This she understood. She really probably should hate me for some of the things I've done... I wouldn't blame her.

I think to myself that she'd probably get on me at this point for having my "Dying voice" on. It's that 'suffering, the world is crumbling around me, can I have some pity' voice that myself and my ex-friend fall into so easily. It's not intentional. But she could always catch me when it would pop up.

My friend and I argued. I was arguing about the fact that my ex-friend had performed travesties against friends far deeper than I had thought I ever had...But it was okay... because hey, he's "Him" and that's just the way things are. I'd say you have to meet him, but its harder now. He's just so damned infectious. He can be everything you want him to be...and then he can get bored with it and ....not.

When it came down to it...she was most upset that I lied to her and decieved her. (My friend) Like my ex-gf, she was fully right. I'd made it evident that I wasn't the friend to her that I thought I was. I knew what I'd done...And as much as I've tried not to make the mistakes since then...I knew the pain I'd caused to our friendship. I apologized.

She is far more of a friend to me than I sometimes feel I deserve. She accepted my apology with a friendly, "Just don't do it again." But it will be years (if at all) that I may be able to regain her trust. My word isn't worth a whole lot these days. It's rather tarnished.

The apology stung in me. It was a deep apology. And the worst part was the feeling of pain I felt from it was totally selfish. The first thought that went through my mind was, "Another ordeal. A heartfelt apology...have I earned one of the apologies that I deserve." And I thought about it.... What the hell kind of twisted karma was that?

Do something horrible, atone for it and you get points towards your happiness? And in that moment I went blank. My friend (who was online with me at the time) I think believed I was still in sparring mode. For the astrology friendly we are effectively both Aries. She's actually a bit later but she's Aries enough. We've scraped horns on many a battle. But at this point I was blank. Have been for the week since. Amazingly so. I told her I was nausious and had to log off. I didn't. I was sick to my stomach...

I'm often told that I'm a bit too dramatic. If you knew the friends I kept from 87-92; you might acknowledge that in truth, I was running about average. (When you have 6 identically minded brothers, things like that happen)

I look(ed) at my life. Sure, I can blame everything on incompetant parenting. I was raised as a spoiled rich kid, which is annoying unto itself, until the rug gets pulled out at 16. Though they don't let you know until 22. I can blame everyone else. But the truth's me. I'm the one who's made the errors since then.

I have one friend that it pains me to know that few people like. It's the big dark secret that got aired out last week. I figured out the draw. She's too much like me in one very, very bad character flaw. Do anything in your power to make everyone around you 'happy'. Tell the people around you the necessary lie so that you won't deliver the big hurt.

In my case, I'd just gotten so good at it, I was able to convince myself that it wasn't lies and deceptions. This past week I've looked at myself and tried to stop the lies. I say tried, because I've let it burrow too damned deep. layers upon layers that I think I need to contact people in high school to sort out which of my stories are true and which are embellishments.

It's like an onion now. I'm peeling alot. and it hurts...alot. But I keep hoping that there is purity at the center.

My name is Greg Adam Tapolow. Named after my grandfather Gilbert who died two weeks before I was born. Named for my Great-Grandfather Abraham. I hated the name Adam because I was mercelessly teased in Sunday school about it. It's always been too easy to tease me. It's why I don't take well to it now.

I am horrible with money and have screwed this up horribly for myself and others and now live hand to mouth. Partially, because I strain to get my spending under control, and partially as I try to pay off all my debts. To everyone. Yes...everyone.

I am horrible with my own hygene and upkeep. I've never admitted it publically...not even to myself. I don't know why. My friend once told me to stop searching for reasons I do something wrong...and just fix it.

I have held all of my friends to a higher standard than I hold myself. Expecting far more out of them than I have given...and at times don't believe that I deserve any of them at all. But some stand with me. And that is what keeps me from going down the drain entirely.

I am deeply indebted to my 'sister' Jenn. She has always been honest with me. She has never let me get away with being less than I am.

I am forever going to question what I did to Carrie. It is only after you lose something you realize how much it meant to you. I hurt her by caring for her and now am learning how to let go. When I was dating her, I was always afraid that she'd rather be in the arms of another person. My own issues. No matter how many times she told me it wasn't true. I think that now she toys with the idea of being with him again. I of course wouldn't approve ;) but it's her life. And she needs to find her own happiness. And if it gives her happiness...I can only wish the best for her. I truly hope that she finds the happiness I couldn't give her. No matter who may be the one to help her find it. "Take your fill of love when, where, and with whom you will."

And, I think I need to comment on one other person. His name is Shawn. He is my 'brother'. We are so much alike and we are so different. We have hurt each other in ways that only brothers could. Deep cutting pain that carves the center of the soul. I've asked myself over the past year how someone I've grown so distant from could garner such hate from me. It stems out of how much love I had for him. Still have for him. The way we've hurt each other...disappointed each times celebrated together.

I don't know how to make things right between us. I don't know if I should. There is so much pain, And finger pointing is useless. Too many fingers. Too many directions. As one who is realizing the depths of stupidity I've sunk too, who am I to cast the first stone?

I have hurt too many people...Always with the best intentions. (I guess my road to hell is well paved now). All the apologies in the world are worthless without change... Normally, I'd look to my friends for help with change... But it's my job not their's.

Jenn has often told me if I could put my 'act' together (well she used a more colourful word) I would be unstoppable. It's time for me to stop stopping myself.

My name is Greg. I will change. I will to change.

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