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Andrei in the office

lordandrei

Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness


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Andrei in the office
lordandrei

What is God? Um... to me... (Part 2)

When I was a kid (and that statement now feels valid)... I had the occasional person use some lines on me that I really wish could be kept away from anyone under the age of 30:

"You have a very old soul"
"You have more power than you could possibly imagine"
"Everyone is special in their own way, but you are going to change the world"
"8th Avenue doesn't come thru to High Street, cut up to 12th"

okay, maybe not so much the last one....

As a result (and the genetic propensity to paranoia from my mother) I always felt there was something more to the universe than droning thru Hebrew and sitting and standing a lot.

Kids in school used to make fun of me. Well there were lots of reasons for that... but it happened for this reason too.

Then college occurred. I went to college in Southeastern, Ohio. We like to refer to that as the worn hole on the bible belt. The nearest synagogue was in West Virginia about 90 minutes away. They used the tambourine. I never really kept kosher to begin with. But at least Kosher was a good excuse to make the college break their Pepsi exclusivity contract..

3 semesters later. My devotion to academia earned me a 6 month hiatus at the dean's request. I returned home and hung out with the Pittsburgh Rocky Horror crew. Thus meeting the previously mentioned dearest friend.

I believe our religious views at that point could be defined in D&D terms. "Chaotic Good"... Maybe "Lawful evil"... maybe "Psychotic Crunchy".... This was about the time that I was introduced to the Tarot. That's right... theatre boy and his cards to tell stories.

I also met my first Wiccan. Well, not really. This was a militant, feminist, Dianic wiccan. She explained to me that Wicca was not the path for me due to my birth defect. (She did in fact use the words 'birth defect' among other elabouration that I'll leave out)

Life was not really that good that spring. High School had been traumatic. Family life sucked, and well, my social circle... not the healthiest thing. I think even FH will look back and say, "Yeah, they/we were really kinda f*#&-ed up" But we did believe through meditation we turned into animals that could fly on the 'astral'.

So, I walked down to the pond deep in Schenley Park (A park that is always FAR BIGGER, than you think) and had a chat with "God" (Who still pretty much had the big beard and bad attitude)

I wanted to know why it was all sucking so hard. I wanted answers. I wanted a sign. I even said I'd consider 'selling the soul' for a sign. I suppose this loopholed on many levels. One... I said "I'd consider" rather than saying "I'd sell". Of course the bigger loophole is with a Jewish upbringing there is also no belief in 'a Hell' or 'the Devil™'... So it was all just empty threats.

None the less. There was no real sign during that time either. But there was individualization. There was also severe crushing on the new friend who'd introduced herself to me by bounding up in this sort of mid-80's goth meets catholic school girl in Doc Martens saying, "Hi, I'm {name). I'm Psychotic!" with a big beaming smile.

I guess I can say that after that spring and the ensuing summer. I knew more of what God wasn't. The beard was gone. The strings were gone. Personally, I think these were the times I got closest to Atheism. There was something... But all the Judaic definitions that seemed rather humanizing were getting stripped away.

I never have shaken the idea that God is singular. But then again, Hebrew school and synagogue tend to pound the "Shema" rather heavily into your head. The Shema is a prayer that is the Hebrew Equivalent of, "WE ARE A MONOTHEISM! GOT IT?!?!?"

So.. that one kinda sticks with me.

What does any of this have to do with God? How I see God?

maybe nothing... maybe everything. But it's what I chose to type... And if you got this far... It's what you chose to read... I have more to tell... And I do have a view of God now. :)

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I had those lines used on me too. I did my best to ignore them. I think I managed....

Ditto to the 2nd and 3rd lines.

My own family used to say those to me. Went through own "phase" [quotation marks c/o my family]. Now have new outlook. Family left frustrated and in tears. My bad? Nuh-uh!

Not that I'm blaming them. Lord knows they did the best they could.

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