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Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

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Andrei in the office

Hmmn, People who are right...people who are wrong.

I'm reminded of a "Yes" song.. "Changes"

I'm going thru some changes. Many I've termed as full circle. I think I've become mentally and socially more conservative over the past few weeks/months than I've been in possilby over a decade. A response was made in a Journal which (having been explained to me) makes perfect sense in where it was coming from. I commented briefly about something persona and said i'd follow up on it. I didn't clarify that the followup would not necessarily also be public. l have many comments in my journal that I say I need to followup on and most of you (some times all of you) wil never see :)

I do however need to reduce some level of personal publically. Many of my readers have grown quite tired of my personal life and issues. And in all honesty... I don't blame them. *heh* I would have gotten bored with my posts long ago. At least I'm not suicidal and showing scars on a weekly basis.

None the less. I'm coming to terms with me as a person. I'm liking who I am. This is me and my life. Some of you may be surprised along the way as i make some comments that may seem counter to my behavior with people who've known me a shorter time. (No this isn't a rant to the young ones)

A good example. I've been fairly open and liberal online in conversation and in online affection with people. I've been very quick to call people friends. I have a wonderous habit of rushing in to somewhere once I see an opening. My psych. and I have been chatting about this. I'm going to be pulling back a lot more than some newer friends may be ready for. I need to know people, tangibility. I need to know that I'm talking to someone, someone who I can talk with.

As a result... don't expect me to be as 'hugs-snuggly' as you may have thought appropriate in the past. It's all at times just black and white words to me. I've let those words get me in far too much trouble in the past. I've already gotten to the point where I've told one person, "If this gets to feel like it's getting personal online, I'm going to stop it and we'll talk face to face."

I'm really beginning to reign in my life and I really like where it's going. With luck, those that are friends (and not just people added to my LJ View list of the same name) will be supportive of me even if I make more mistakes along the way. To those in the order, I love all of you fraternally and would stand by just about everyone of you to the death...but only in Will. And right now I am in very definite and absolute of mine own. And nobody is going to obstruct me or tell me how to live anymore.

Yup. I like me. I like what I'm becoming. My real friends will support me on this. Some will do it with a pillar of salt. I've gone this route before and been wrong. But my confidence, my belief...it's all I have.

In all things, I can only trust myself.

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> In all things, I can only trust myself.

Damn straight. I wish more people would appreciate that. Not necessarily that one's self is an island of trustworthiness in a sea of duplicity, but that it's necessary to chart your own course and respect that other people are doing the same.

What the cute redhead said. This sounds like a potentially very good series of moves for you.

93! You are the only person who's ever told me they like, even wanted to have anonymous criticism, thats one reason you'd invited me to join LJ and you wanted me to read your stuff - I thought that was weird, but I respected that.. abruptly you changed your mind - then started talking around me and not to me - I still prefer the one on one. I'm going ahead and only reading from you if you write to my email or we'll meet again IRL, whatever, and if not, forget you. I don't like being talked around or behind my back or whatever, but if thats what you'd want to do that'd be your character showing. 93, 93/93

Almost every last one of my friends had a fucked up day yesterday, me no exception, and there was this misunderstanding that happened. And I don't care what anybody else got to poke and do towards me, the truth is this was a misunderstanding. I thought one thing, he thought another, and somewhere there was the assumption of malice involved - But I know I wasn't meaning any, and to my face Andrei never been like that - so unless he's changed a whole bunch, I prefer to think the best of him. Maybe some even some might want to expand the trouble, I don't know (I hope not) but I hope they stop and back out of doing that, cause thats not very nice, and I know best my own intentions, which were not to "obstruct" anybody. I'm sorry for my part of the mess in this, brother. If your willing - Forget yesterday. Today is another day.

Andrei!! I have been waiting soooo long to hear these words from you.... I have been wanting to hear that your living life for you and yes you can stand by your friends but in all you need to take care of yourself.... I am going to be honest here and say that I was getting so burned out on trying to say the right things to you so that perhaps you could feel better about you but my efforts didnt seem to be having any impact and in the end I think we both got a little hurt and I never wanted that to happen.... I got really attached to you for some reason and I loved talking to you and I loved how your place made me feel so comfortable and that was because of you... yeah there were something that botherd me but when do things not bother someone... I also have been going thru some pretty tough crap in my life and I think I got a lot of my emotions involved and I shouldnt have and I am sorry about that.... I truely wish that we can become the friends that in my mind would have been nice and supportive of each other..... I have always been okay with the things that you do in your life with your beliefs and your goals... I think its absolutely wonderful how you live your life and I wish that I could be like that in some ways.... I dont know if this means anything or if I just made things worse.... *shrug* I am just me going thru life like everyone else and I am still learning and I will still fall on my face but I think your a great guy and a great friend and I am regretful because I feel like it was lost....

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