I'm going thru some changes. Many I've termed as full circle. I think I've become mentally and socially more conservative over the past few weeks/months than I've been in possilby over a decade. A response was made in a Journal which (having been explained to me) makes perfect sense in where it was coming from. I commented briefly about something persona and said i'd follow up on it. I didn't clarify that the followup would not necessarily also be public. l have many comments in my journal that I say I need to followup on and most of you (some times all of you) wil never see :)
I do however need to reduce some level of personal publically. Many of my readers have grown quite tired of my personal life and issues. And in all honesty... I don't blame them. *heh* I would have gotten bored with my posts long ago. At least I'm not suicidal and showing scars on a weekly basis.
None the less. I'm coming to terms with me as a person. I'm liking who I am. This is me and my life. Some of you may be surprised along the way as i make some comments that may seem counter to my behavior with people who've known me a shorter time. (No this isn't a rant to the young ones)
A good example. I've been fairly open and liberal online in conversation and in online affection with people. I've been very quick to call people friends. I have a wonderous habit of rushing in to somewhere once I see an opening. My psych. and I have been chatting about this. I'm going to be pulling back a lot more than some newer friends may be ready for. I need to know people, tangibility. I need to know that I'm talking to someone, someone who I can talk with.
As a result... don't expect me to be as 'hugs-snuggly' as you may have thought appropriate in the past. It's all at times just black and white words to me. I've let those words get me in far too much trouble in the past. I've already gotten to the point where I've told one person, "If this gets to feel like it's getting personal online, I'm going to stop it and we'll talk face to face."
I'm really beginning to reign in my life and I really like where it's going. With luck, those that are friends (and not just people added to my LJ View list of the same name) will be supportive of me even if I make more mistakes along the way. To those in the order, I love all of you fraternally and would stand by just about everyone of you to the death...but only in Will. And right now I am in very definite and absolute of mine own. And nobody is going to obstruct me or tell me how to live anymore.
Yup. I like me. I like what I'm becoming. My real friends will support me on this. Some will do it with a pillar of salt. I've gone this route before and been wrong. But my confidence, my belief...it's all I have.
In all things, I can only trust myself.