Log in

No account? Create an account
Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

Previous Entry Share Flag Next Entry
Why me?!?!?

Daddy is up late.

I hear him breathe. I wonder if it is normal breathing. I lay next to him wondering if I am doing enough...wondering if I'm not missing something obvious and important.

Was that grumble to hoarse? Should I be checking him for fever? Are we over/underfeeding him? is that a bister, a rash, allergy? Will I always be strong when she needs me?

I find myself impatiently waiting for the time where I'm searching for the answers to everyone of his questions. But now... I just hope I make it day to day being there when and as needed for them.

As I lay down... I see myself wantimg to be 6 again. I lay in my fiberglass, racing car bed. I see my room growing up...my desk, my windows...

But the safety of that time is gone... I am a little boy grown up...

I hope I am doing this right.

  • 1
You are doing a really good job. What you're experiencing, weird as it is, is exactly what I and other parents experience. We *still* wonder if we're doing things right. Then we get a moment that lets us know that, yeah, we're doing okay.

The first three months is the hardest. Where there's very little feedback and you're kind of keeping the organism alive for another 24 hours. It's hard.

We love you, and you and Heather are doing a wonderful job.

All you can do is to make up for the failings of your own upbringing, and hope your children will do the same.

That you're concerned is a sure sign you're doing just fine.

Wow...that is so huge.
As an objective (read: non parent) observer, it seems like the fact that you're asking the important questions means that you're doing fine.
A lot of parenting seems like common sense punctuated with the awareness that what you've got there is a separate little person, and not just an extension of yourself. It's clear that you already have that.
All that's left is the Love; and again, it's readily apparent to me how much you love him--and I'm just reading about it. ;-]

Ditto here. The mere fact that you are posting this, wondering this, is a huge step in the right direction. -Wanting- to understand, and being aware of your job, your situation, your son, is the first part to actually understanding.

people survive really, really bad parenting. human beings are resilient!

you won't do a perfect job, but you're paying attention and trying your best, and that's all you can do. don't worry so much. :>

also, in answer to the question "will i always be strong?" ...speaking as the sort of person who tends to take on the responsibility of making all things go right, whatever they are, the answer is NO, you won't. trying to be a perfect pillar of strength and responsibility at all times is just asking for disaster, because you're not superman, you're a person with your own needs.

once you know that at some point, you're not going to be able to be there for a loved one who needs you, you can address the practical side of the issue: what do i do when i'm already tapped out and my family needs me? what additional support structures do we need in place? what's the backup plan? how do i support my loved ones in their own independence and self-sufficiency?

this is a much more reliable way of making sure things go okay than trying to do it all yourself, trust me. ;>

I'd like to say that it gets better...

But I respect you too much to lie.

I will swear to you, you get better at it.

Almost every day I have the same questions and concerns. Am I doing this right? I am protecting too much, or not enough? Am I stifling his spirit, or allowing him so much expression that he stops respecting the thoughts and feelings of others?

It is the few days when I am not asking these questions that I find I make the most mistakes. A spoonful of neurosis makes for better parenting. But in moderation...balance, as in all things, is the key to the work.

You'll do great. And rest assured that when A.C. is twenty, he'll let you know exactly where you screwed up. I look forward to when crash does this, because it is part of his becoming an adult individual. I will do my best to take it well, and own my mistakes. Then we can be adults together. That is really the part I am looking forward to.

You'll be great.


Re: I'd like to say that it gets better...

I like the differentiation :-)

(Deleted comment)
The only thing guaranteed in parenting is guilt and panic. Honestly, I heard someone say once that if you don't feel like utter crap at least once a week, you're doing it wrong. This will come even more into play once they start talking. Because they start criticizing very shortly thereafter!

You're doing great. Don't forget to breathe. It's OK to need a break.

  • 1