Looking at job positions today, I felt I should help the younger aspiring engineers by explaining the "HR speak" that they will find in job application requirements in our field.
I suppose I should add that this is satire and that I actually like working in our industry, but I may as well grab the lion by the tail and shake a bit anyways.
Comments are welcome on this including additions, corrections, and suggestions
|What the job spec says||What it means|
|Work closely and effectively with other members of the development team to produce software solutions that satisfy the company’s business requirements.||You will share a cube with 3 other engineers.|
Whatever we're hiring you for you will
|Designing and developing subsystems on major business systems under deadline pressure with minimum supervision.||Big project, small team, weak management,|
crunch for 15 months during the year
|Design software components and systems in conjunction with the functional analysts.|
These designs may entail the use of industry best practices and methodologies.
|We emply people with no technical ability to design software that you'll build.|
Get it out fast, and don't expect to see your spouse this week. You'll fix the bugs in the next release. Maybe.
|Successful completion of code deliverables within projects.||You will be expected to do your job.|
|Ensuring that code meets specifications.||We will hound you about a bug list composed|
entirely of the regularly changing feature set.
|Writing code that is efficient and easily maintainable.||Whoever we hire after your layoff|
should be able to fix your undocumented code.
|Testing and debugging own code for the|
incubation projects and unit testing for regular projects.
|Don't expect to use QA for your mistakes|
They are all in India now.
|Work with members of the QA team to ensure that the software has minimal defects and provides the desired functionality and performance before it is deployed.||Prepare to have an icon colour or missing legal document slip your date and be your fault.|
Learn how to wield phrases like CNR and postpone that feature.
|Taking full advantage of OS toolsets.||Okay, we expect you to use the private APIs|
we tell the developers that we don't use.
|Communicating and defending design, requirements,feature set, functionality and limitations of subsystemto team members and development lead.||No one likes a whiner, but you will|
be questioned about every design and
engineering decision you make.
|Degree in a Computer Science related field.||Can you spell the word, "College"|
Did you copy your first Worm while in High School
|Masters Degree in a Computer Science related field.||Have you been jaded by the academic process|
yet shown the ability to stick with a process
that will not yield personal fulfillment
|PhD. in a Computer Science related field.||Are you ready to see a real paycheck|
and be bought out against your original
altruistic and bohemian morals?
Your services to the highest bidder.
|Minimum of 5 years of related experience.||Did you do this exact job for|
our competitors in your last position.
|Experience taking projects from concept to production level code||This is a new project so you'll be starting|
from scratch. You also have a 90% chance
the project will be EOL'd before version 1.5
|Experience working on all phases of a product cycle.||Small team, multiple hats. Lots of meetings.|
Expect 6 hrs of meetings and then questions
why you didn't code for 8 hrs that day.
|Experience building scalable online services desirable||Can you write a useful internet app that won't die|
when used by more customers than it was designed for?
|Operational understanding of the software engineering|
lifecycle and ability to transition from requirements
to design to implementation efficiently
|A clear understanding of feature creep,|
deadlines that are only for you, and
sneaking in features that management will never get.
|Excellent verbal, written, and|
interpersonal communication skills.
|An ability to use one syllable words, slowly for|
Mgmt. to help them think they came up with the idea.
|Strong C#, SQL, C/C++, client side scripting skill required||We're so behind schedule we're not going|
to ramp you up on our proprietary frameworks.
|UML, Design Patterns, Inheritance|
and Encapsulation, Templates
|You should be able to explain, why you need|
to recode the bad code from scratch.
|Solid professional experience in object-oriented|
software design and development
|You should know what class reusability is and why|
you'll never get the chance to use this helpful feature.
|In-depth knowledge of advance language|
concepts in Java and/or C++
|Your interview will include minutia that|
Bjarne Stroustrup would get wrong.