Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

  • Mood:

Since I am not currently emplyed full-time in my industry

In the past 12 months, I would say that I have filled out roughly 300 job applications in my field. None have yielded a position.

Looking at job positions today, I felt I should help the younger aspiring engineers by explaining the "HR speak" that they will find in job application requirements in our field.

I suppose I should add that this is satire and that I actually like working in our industry, but I may as well grab the lion by the tail and shake a bit anyways.

Comments are welcome on this including additions, corrections, and suggestionsWhy yes, I'm taking metrics on this post.

What the job spec saysWhat it means
Work closely and effectively with other members of the development team to produce software solutions that satisfy the company’s business requirements.You will share a cube with 3 other engineers.
Whatever we're hiring you for you will
be eol'd within 2 cycles. Learn Javascript.
Designing and developing subsystems on major business systems under deadline pressure with minimum supervision.Big project, small team, weak management,
crunch for 15 months during the year
Design software components and systems in conjunction with the functional analysts.

These designs may entail the use of industry best practices and methodologies.
We emply people with no technical ability to design software that you'll build.

Get it out fast, and don't expect to see your spouse this week. You'll fix the bugs in the next release. Maybe.Why yes, I'm taking metrics on this post.
Successful completion of code deliverables within projects. You will be expected to do your job.
Ensuring that code meets specifications. We will hound you about a bug list composed
entirely of the regularly changing feature set.
Writing code that is efficient and easily maintainable.Whoever we hire after your layoff
should be able to fix your undocumented code.
Testing and debugging own code for the
incubation projects and unit testing for regular projects.
Don't expect to use QA for your mistakes
They are all in India now.
Work with members of the QA team to ensure that the software has minimal defects and provides the desired functionality and performance before it is deployed.Prepare to have an icon colour or missing legal document slip your date and be your fault.
Learn how to wield phrases like CNR and postpone that feature.
Taking full advantage of OS toolsets.Okay, we expect you to use the private APIs
we tell the developers that we don't use.
Communicating and defending design, requirements,feature set, functionality and limitations of subsystemto team members and development lead. No one likes a whiner, but you will
be questioned about every design and
engineering decision you make.
Degree in a Computer Science related field.Can you spell the word, "College"
Did you copy your first Worm while in High School
Masters Degree in a Computer Science related field.Have you been jaded by the academic process
yet shown the ability to stick with a process
that will not yield personal fulfillment
PhD. in a Computer Science related field.Are you ready to see a real paycheck
and be bought out against your original
altruistic and bohemian morals?
Your services to the highest bidder.
Minimum of 5 years of related experience.Did you do this exact job for
our competitors in your last position.
Experience taking projects from concept to production level codeThis is a new project so you'll be starting
from scratch. You also have a 90% chance
the project will be EOL'd before version 1.5
Experience working on all phases of a product cycle.Small team, multiple hats. Lots of meetings.
Expect 6 hrs of meetings and then questions
why you didn't code for 8 hrs that day.
Experience building scalable online services desirableCan you write a useful internet app that won't die
when used by more customers than it was designed for?
Operational understanding of the software engineering
lifecycle and ability to transition from requirements
to design to implementation efficiently
A clear understanding of feature creep,
deadlines that are only for you, and
sneaking in features that management will never get.
Technical skills:
Excellent verbal, written, and
interpersonal communication skills.
An ability to use one syllable words, slowly for
Mgmt. to help them think they came up with the idea.
Strong C#, SQL, C/C++, client side scripting skill requiredWe're so behind schedule we're not going
to ramp you up on our proprietary frameworks.
UML, Design Patterns, Inheritance
and Encapsulation, Templates
You should be able to explain, why you need
to recode the bad code from scratch.
Solid professional experience in object-oriented
software design and development
You should know what class reusability is and why
you'll never get the chance to use this helpful feature.
In-depth knowledge of advance language
concepts in Java and/or C++
Your interview will include minutia that
Bjarne Stroustrup would get wrong.
Tags: computers, humour, satire

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded