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Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

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Andrei in the office

A renewed sense of hope....

Tonight I went to a therapist. I am still waiting for a psychiatrist to deem my insurance valuable enough to take me on as a patient. I have one that I have gotten by referral from my NPCP (not primary care physician. I'm on a PPO)

I have been in contact with his billing secretary (yup, medical/dental billing just like Sally Struthers used to advertise training for). She has told me he would call me within one business day for the past 3 days.

So tonight I went to a therapist. A licensed hypno-therapist. I've always been admittedly leery about hypnosis. My contact with it, of course is watching people at prom be dragged on stage and then summarily embarrassed. I've done some 'guided meditations' which have pretty much caused me to veg out and sometimes doze off; so... not a whole lot of investment here. (looking up to marvel at the fact that prom is not in the editor's dictionary)

The therapist is a member of my religious faith. This I viewed as a good thing because it was a level of understanding that the person would share with me. So I entered with an open mind....

Well, let me be more honest, I entered with a desperate mind. The reason I scheduled the appointment or at least acquiesced to setting up an appointment was because I thought it might help me with a problem. Since about the beginning of the year I have been thoroughly unable to remember my dreams. This (amongst other things) has been troubling me. Since agreeing however, my general state has taken a horrible turn.

I've come to the realization that it is very likely that I am clinically bi-polar. Some friends may sing in chorus, "Well, duh." You, see; I've known that I was suffering fits of depression; but it wasn't until yesterday when I swung to a state where I was free associating thoughts on a calibre with Robin Williams and Wayne Brady; that I'd actually been able to recognize a manic state. Mind you; I really don't want to lose the creativity that comes from this; but the mere recognition gave me a bit of a jolt. It didn't snap it.

Now today was probably one of the worst days I've had at the office in quite a long time. I (as the new boy...even after a year) have acquired the "S*%# projects" to work on. This is the crap that no one else ever wants to work on and I'm slowly(, begrudgingly, and frustratingly) becoming the expert on. But today was day 6 of the thing that wouldn't die. Some new problem would crop up and it would be presented to me as, "Why haven't you fixed this bug yet."

So me in my manic state boiled and gritted and actually vented (as peacefully as I could) at my manager. Who feels sorry that I'm working on another teams crap project because it's delaying me from working on my own team's crap project ;)

With this state (and people who've been reading know that I've been all over the place) I went to a hypno-therapist to 'relax'

I may at some point go into the details of what I remember of the experience but let me hit the important piece right here, right now.

I feel good. I feel balanced. And most importantly, I feel like me. Not someone else that has been chipped away from the me I was. It doesn't matter if all that happened was that I got an hour to unwind with a nice female voice talking to me...It doesn't matter if I made that hypnotic cross over to innondate my sub-conscious with self affirming instructions. Why and what don't matter.

I feel good. I feel like I can get better now. I've missed feeling this way.

I feel happy.

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Good headshrinkers are hard to find

It's good to know that you found a therapist that can understand your particular religious philosophies. It has always been a bit of a block for me seeing therapists since I started really studying magick because I'd rather not tell someone with the power to commit me to a mental institution that "There is no part of me that is not of the Gods." :)

I've been considering spending some time in formal therapy again lately as I'm a bit of a manic depressive myself. I have no idea where I would find someone I could actually fully express myself to.... I used to have a really cool therapist, despite the fact that he was a christian therapist. One of those rare few open-minded Christians like Christ-Dionysus-Bacchus-Zagreus intended. I wouldn't mind seeing him again but I have no idea how to even contact him.

Anyways, enough of my rantings for one evening. I'm just bored waiting for nitemarehipigrl to get off work. Sitting in her living room by myself. :(

Ooh! Good, good, I'm glad you're feeling better. Sounds like you had an interesting/productive session, hopefully the insurance stuff will cooperate.

I'm also of the 'hypnotism is for grad night parties and carnival side shows' way of thinking. That being said, I'm also of the 'whatever works' way of thinking. If you're better, right on, whether it's because of hypnotism, a woman speaking softly to you for an hour, or having live marmosets rubbed against your bare feet.

As for work, that blows. The whole 'why haven't you fixed this' is a stupid, counterproductive approach. If it's from your QA team, PLEASE let me at 'em. :) I'll kick ass and take names.

Re: live marmosets rubbed agaisnt your bare feet

Not quite my speed; but a woman witha a soft voice rubbing against my bare feet; Hmmn. We may have something here....

Wow! That is an Andrei that I have not seen in a long time. I miss yah bud and I am glad that things went well. I hope that you get whatever you need to be able to make things work. Sometimes just "relaxing" is the only way to stop the rollar coaster rides... sometimes it takes more. So I hope that this is the first step to wherever your WILL takes you! *hugs*

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