Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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Phobias?!?! But I refuse for there to be drama in my life.

So who would have thunk it? This is theoretically gonna be one of those really good journal posts. This is because this post is really for me and everyone else just gets to go along for the ride.

Normally, this level of meta-exposition isn't necessary but in this case it works as a perfectly ironic framing device. Tonight Horizon Oasis held a banquet in honour of our visiting guests the OTO USGL Electoral College. An excellent feast was prepared by the officers. And then there was entertainment. Ah, yes. Karaoke.

Now, I have carefully spent the last 20 years reconditioning myself to be an extrovert. This means, not getting wound up over what others think about me, being able to start conversations with complete strangers, and most importantly feel at home in the clothes that are "my being" in public. However, it would seem that when it comes to a book of vocal-less music and a microphone; all bets are off.

To be honest I have in fact performed karaoke 2 1/2 times. The first time was in college when a couple of friends went into a kiosk to destroy Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator. I chimed in at the end to try to do the bass harmony. A few years later a bunch of us climbed into a booth to rework, "Under the Boardwalk" by the drifters.

But my absolute resistance to solo karaoke is multi-emotional to me. It is frustrating, terrifying, annoying, embarrassing, confusing, draining, and probably about 10 other Gerunds that I can't come up with at the moment.

Let me back up a moment; I like singing. Well usually. The drive home after the event featured the quietest one might ever find me and that was with my sing-a-long cd playing in the car. Yup, about 80 song designed to strengthen and workout my voice. Theoretically, I have a three octave range. And the strange thing is... I have next to no faith in my own singing voice. Oh, I'll sing in the car (well, eventually when tonight's trauma has passed). But, publicly? Only if I have beaten the hell out of myself to get it perfect. Which again, makes no sense when you realize how many times I've sung certain songs on my discs.

A lack of faith in my voice? Hell yeah. I consider my voice very nasal from the get go. Yay Jewish Genes. So, this means I don't think I have a lot of warmth to the tone. Okay... on top of that were the couple of impressionable times in my life where I was told to my face I was ruining a song by attempting to sing through it. And they were people who (for better or worse at the time) I trusted. I have no real gauge. I have had people tell me I'm really good and others tell me that I realllly suck.

So, despite an absolute love of performance and singing, an abject terror on front of people.

Damn, there is more on this topic I want to write right now, but after hiking and discovering high-blood pressure thru embarassment this evening.I'm falling asleep as I type. More tomorrow.
Tags: huh?, phobia, singing

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