I'm reminded of a conversation recently between Lila and Angel. Angel warns Lila that if she keeps on her game face too long, it'll stay that way. Lila points out that she's always had her game face and has worked long and hard not to lose it. In the past few days I've been reminded that I'm not really meant to pursue my personal needs. Personal needs are for the young, thin, smart, and rich.
My job is to do what is assigned to me whether I enjoy it or not. My job is to remember that no matter how much fire someone with tons of Aries in the first house may have, the universe would rather it be watered, tempered and kept out of the main game play.
I have decided to make some changes in my computer behavior. Last night I noticed that 201 buddies in 27 groups. Casually looking through the logs I've noticed that of those, I am active with maybe 12 people. Of those, I've noticed that I instigate conversations over 95% of the time with most. granted...instigation pretty much consists of, "Hi" to see if they'd like to chat today.
I figure, I'm not going to start any conversations for a while. With all these conversations that I feel I may be forcing others into, I figure, maybe I've become an unnecessary, unwanted intrusion. So... I figure, If I go a week and don't hear from someone....maybe I've been annoying them and I should drop them from the list. I realize this is thoroughly backwards logic.
Maybe it's because I'm turning 34 in less than 24 hours. Maybe it's because my personal self-repair hasn't gone as far as I thought it has. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself because things have gone badly this year. Personally, I've lived a third of a century...and I feel as though I'm losing more than I am gaining.
For those that know me... I went to a theatre guild meeting last night. I'm supposed to direct cuttings from Midsummer. I don't think I have it in me anymore. I didn't want to be there. I think I've lost the desire to direct. And I don't know if this should scare me more of less than it does.
(Other posts may follow in other journals of mine)