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Andrei in the office


Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness

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Andrei in the office

And normally itwouldn't be a problem

At the airport waitng for my flight to board. Now, when I fly it'sdown to a science. Dress jacket, button down shirt, sandals. Stuff the computer bag with any and all cables. Metal and electronics in the jacket. Two bins. Drop the jacket, pull the laptop, carryone first, bins, laptop bag.

Security never bothers me.

Except today. First there was a woman (about 55-65ish) who didn't comprehend the airport. She was actually whimpering about not knowing where ticketing was. She reached into the belt and bins and grabbed at thingsthat weren't hers; including my stuff. Then... then the laptob bag's strap got stuck in the belt. For five minutes 2 first-level TSA drones tried to extract it while whimpering lay ran in and out of the gate trying to pull her bags out from behind mine.

Ah, But this time...this time.... this time, I had packed too many cables. The bag looked suspicious. I got to take a trip to the side tables for the special treatment. Everything was removed: batteries, cables, pills, dvds, books, book of the law, power adapters... And then. THE COTTON SWAB.

Throughout all of this I am being kind. I am smiling, telling the drone what each cable is. I figured, I should just be helpfu--- *BEEP*BEEP*BEEP* "We have an alarm over here." The machine belched out a receipt.

The next tiered drone comes over. "The machine found traces of nitro glycerine on your bag." Not having as much fun now. He assures me it's very common. They copy down every piece of info from my drivers licence and boarding pass. The computer bag and contents win another trip through Captain XRAY. Iget a pat down and a kind thank you.

It's a good thing I get here early. I wonder if this will appear on my permanent (fed) record now. I guess I should have shaved before going to the airport. I am now officially and evilman, I guess.

Please pardon typos, the airport has no net and the treo has a reallysmall keyboard. I'll fix the typos later.

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I hates the evil scanners. They usually don't hate me, but sometimes they get surly with me too.

One time (I had lots of time), my bra went off, ny shoes went off, my pant leg went off (I don't know what that was about. It wasn't near a rivet or anything). Luckily, I'd remembered to take out my pocket knife and leave it at home.

Back before the world went to hell, I got stopped by the old fashioned airport idiots for the same thing. I was about two hours early for my flight, though, so it was no big deal. I don't think I got patted down, but they did empty my bag. The woman kept asking me what medications I had, about five times. I don't know what set it off; I suppose the machines take a pot shot now and again just to relieve the boredom.

Actually, I think the person who looked at the bag missed the whole side pocket. Good thing, too. Not only did I have the explosives in there, but I had some miscellaneous contraband I was running for some folks waaaay down south and some illegal animals I was smuggling, too.

(In case Google indexes this: that's all a joke. I'm not at the airport, so I can still make those.)

be happy you weren't flying on a buddy pass or Space-A -- they make you do a complete shakedown at the gate as well as the after-belt shakedown, on every single leg. grrr.

I went to Germany on a buddy-pass with my Crumpler stuffed like a portable recording studio -- laptop, Hi-8 cam, 35mmPNS, MD recorder, cassette recorder, digital voice recorder, media for all recorders, mics, batteries galore, 10' Cat-5, 6' crossover, wall-warts, shaving kit and two very packable travel outfits (everything else for the month was in checked luggage). The shakedown boys couldn't figure out how to repack everything after pulling everything out, took me all of about two minutes to get everything resituated just so -- at Cleveland Hopkins, at Dulles, then Frankfurt Hahn, and BMI. grrrr.

I hear ya on the sandles bit -- I wear my dress clogs.

I carry on a backpack with a bottle of water, some food, a book, the iPod and the Game Boy . . . everything else gets checked . . . used to be only water, book and iPod, but now I hear the airlines don't even pretend to feed you.
The fun one is making sure the water bottles seal isn't broken before you clear security . . . in Vienna my mom got stopped cause hers had been opened.

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