Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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It's the waiting that sucks

Yesterday I went into the Dentist's office. The experience actually went well. The x-rays were done by a husge machine that swung around my head.

They took out the loose section yesterday and will do the full extraction on Thursday.

In the mean time it's now sufficiently out that the job interview I am waiting to hear on is in fact at Apple. I've been trying to keep this quiet for a while becuase it's still just at the interview stage. The last status I knew was that I was down to the final 3 of 12. I hope to hear something tomorrow or Thursday.

Those that know me, know that there's little in this world I'd like more than a job at Apple. I really think I've run my course being a code monkey/engineer for company after company that has no idea how to manage Apple software development.

The strong Apple developers at this point are small companies that have one or two engineers with an idea that has grown into a product. If you're not in that situation, you're pretty much at Apple.

Enthusiastic as I am... I've also been waiting and looking for the right position. Something I feel mostly qualified for (there always has to be growth) and something I want to do. The position in question has all of this and more. It is exactly where I want to be in my career track. (Well, that and somewhere that affords me the chance to work on my poker game 'til I go professional.)

This isn't as easy as it sounds. Because it will mean that H and I will leave Southern California and Blue Horizon and a family of friends that we have nurtured collectively over the last 5 years. It will also put us in an area where the nearest OTO is over 2 hrs away and that means we will be starting a body from scratch. In someways reducing our OTO interactions with the order as a whole by alot.

Some people dear to me have taken this news very hard. Which is why I've been quiet about it. With my upbringing (Ah, Modern Judaism), I've had far too many let downs. When I enterd into the relationship with H, I pretty much fought getting caught up in the potential of it. It all happened so fast that I didn't want to believe it was as good as it felt.

Happily 2 years later I am married to a very wonderful woman and am glad that I took the advice of friends and even my doctor when they said, "You know... it may just work out. Stop resisting."

So, in a way here I am again. The magickian in me wants to treat this like it's a done deal. We just haven't gotten to the date where I can prove it. When I took a Minerval in the Order I knew immediately that I was ready to take the 1st. When asked why, I told them, "It's not a question of why. It just is. I can't see myself past that date not having already done it."

I want to keep that level of positive in me that this is a sure thing. So many friends have fueled that fire. I get countless messages now of, "Oh, yeah... In the bag. It's so your job." I've even been doing talismanic work. Since getting back I have worn an Apple branded T-shirt everyday. (Yes, due to my line of work, I have ALOT of them)

It's amusing. Over the past year plus. I have been fighting with a phrase from our dogma:
For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

This phrase has been my work for the past year. Knowing things that you want, that feel like they are a part of you. Making the pursuit a magickal process. But trying not to see past what the current work is. Trying to seperate the want from the will. Trying to comprehend lust of result. trying to resist it. This has factored on so many levels on so many things in my life.

It is very hard to have things so close to grasp, things that so feel deeply inside like they are natural progress in your life. And yet, to have no control over whether you reach that point or not.

I always reply the same way. You keep your head down. You do the work necessary. You hope and pray alot. You keep your faith. Faith that it will come naturally. Faith that you will have the strength to understand the things that don't come.

In the case of Apple, I think I have applied over 5 or 6 times. (Not trying to count the letter I wrote as an 11 year old in 1979 asking for a job)

I think it saddens me that as much as I want this, the cynic finds it hard to let myself believe the battle is won. I guess the good news is, I can see this coming to fruition. At least a little.

I watched "Searching For Bobby Fisher" this week. A wonderful movie about a real life chess-child-prodigy. In the big match he looks at the board and realizes he's won. He offers his opponent a draw, knowing that he's won.

Well, as is oft the case, I've gotten off on a ramble. I'm waiting... I'll update people as I know more.

Edit:It'd really be nice to leave for a week's honeymoon with GOOD news.
Edit: 06-01-03 This was posted friends only as it involved job interviews

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