Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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The stupidest article I've read this week

To understand why I read these articles to begin with, one has to understand that the concept of the home page is a waste of time to me.

Safari auto sets the home page to : which is apple's redirect to whoever has Apple's home page contract. For the past year or so it's been:

This is tied into cnn and other sites for random news and fluff.

Typically there are three rotating feature stories of the day. News, Life, and Health... along those lines.

Today's 'Life' article was, "10 Things Stylish Men Keep in Their Wallets"

Okay, so I was curious. Curious, huh... good thing I'm not a cat.

Below the cut are the 10 things they listed, their comments and my responses to their utter tripe of neo-50s conformity.

Ten Things Stylish Men Keep In Their Wallets
By Elaine Szewczyk

Style reaches beyond expensive suits. It's a way of life. It's not enough to consider yourself stylish-you must be equipped to prove it in any circumstance.

Keep these ten items in your wallet. You never know when you'll need them

Matches. Channel your inner Humphrey Bogart. Even if you don't smoke, matches are a great item to keep on your person. You'll be grateful when you pass an attractive stranger in need of a light.

Okay, lets start with the attack of honesty. I'm not a smoker. I don't like tobacco. I'm not fond of a fresh infusion on someone's breath if I happen to kiss them. Now, that's me personally. Everyone out there is well within their right to smoke. As I am well within my right not to smoke. As a result, I'm happy to look someone in the eyes and say, "Sorry, no matches, I don't smoke." Translation for the real stylish man:The real stylish man is confident in who he is, and doesn't need to impress people by acting counter to his own preferences.

Toothpick. Of course no one's asking that you pick your teeth in public. That would be gauche (but you knew that). The toothpick is an emergency item, the kind of thing that will prove useful when checking your front teeth in a bathroom mirror only to find a stray piece of spinach.

Sigh... Dental hygiene will not garner one, but two entries on the list. Were this the 70's I'll bet you even money Binaca would have scored the list of the stylish man's pocket. The truth of the matter here is to be aware of what you are eating. If you are dining in a very good restaurant, they will probably have an attendant with toothbrushes, mints, and possibly, yes... even a toothpick. Translation for the real stylish man:The real stylish man is aware of his surroundings and takes the proper steps at the proper times. He doesn't spend his times with a swiss army knife of preparations for disaster.

Safety pin. Like the toothpick, this is for emergency use only. If a button pops off or a buckle snaps at the absolute wrong time, a stylish man will be ready to repair it at a moment's notice.

I once dated a woman who had the perfect phrase for this, "(sigh) You know!" If one is very concerned in style and appearance... Does one really leave the house in clothes that have a button-loss possibility? In all honesty, the clothes should fit (and not snugly) and be in a condition that isn't immanently in danger of bursting. Translation for the real stylish man:You want to be stylish? Stylish costs. There are clothes stores and you should be visiting them frequently and keeping your wardrobe clean, current, and in good condition.

Business card from a local florist. A stylish man sends flowers. It's a simple gesture that immediately distinguishes its sender.

A business card... ooh, how quaint. It's nice to think that stylish seems to equate to a lack of technology. The up to date person may actually have such odd accouterments as a call phone and/or a PIM/PDA. Actually, the carrying of the business card for this purpose seems anti-stylish. Forgetting the entire idea of, "Hey, she's cute, I'm going to show her how stylish I am by whipping out my florist, business card and showing it to her." If you're going to buy flowers for someone you should look at the flowers you are purchasing. Yes, it can be done online, but the importance is seeing what you are getting. Translation for the real stylish man:The real stylish man doesn't need to show that he has a florist, he needs to show that he knows where to get flowers, when to give flowers, and what flowers are best to be given.

Library card. Better than a gold card, a library card is a reminder of your thirst for knowledge. It may be free but it carries a priceless message.

Do you hear the crickets in the background too? The books that will satiate a contemporary thirst are at book stores. They require that extra distance of purchasing a book (or more). Frequenting a Borders or a B&N (and not to ogle) is a good thing. Having a card from these stores actually alludes to possible literacy. A bookshelf at home says far more than table conversation about needing to return an overdue book. Translation for the real stylish man:You want to be stylish about a Library? Donate books, computers, time, money to the Library. Be known at your library for giving, not taking. That's stylish.

$100 bill. A $100 bill is a reminder that you don't deal in change. Your attitude is bigger than that, even if your bank account isn't. Pulling out the occasional hundred is an image-maker's secret weapon: In a world of tens, you're a hundred.

Less is more. Now, I admit a wise ranger once said, "You can get more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can with just a kind word." But, let's be honest. Flashing a $100 bill is like showing off your High School trophy for 2nd place in your 40s. "Ooh, look he has a $100 bill." Most people who have a $100 in their wallet are showing off a countable percentage of their net worth. Someone who has lots of money and wants to be stylish shows it off, by not showing it off. Quietly picking up the bill with a platinum card goes much further. You attract the minimum amount of attention. And... if you really manage your money well... lose the credit cards. Check cards which draw the funds directly.. that's got more class than people would think. Translation for the real stylish man: Money shown off is never attractive, the hints of money are. You wanna flash cash.. flash a nice money clip that reflects your personality.

Restaurant recommendations. A stylish man knows his way around town. He's been there and done that. Keeping a slip of paper listing two atmospheric restaurants and their addresses allows you to offer up an original suggestion if the opportunity presents itself.

All I'm going to say about addresses, phone numbers and references has already been said under flowers above. Translation for the real stylish man: Some things should be kept, but not in a wallet.

Mint. Words aren't the only things that come out of a stylish man's mouth. Good breath is as important as vocabulary. If you don't have it, you have nothing.

See toothpick above. Translation for the real stylish man: Some people don't have the greatest breath to begin with. A mint in the wallet is a silly thing. If you need mint-like things to cover the breath, a pocket pack is good. Working with the dentist is better.

Driver's license. No matter how you look at it, a bicycle just isn't going to cut it.

I live in California. 99+% of the time you can't get groceries without a car. While there is public transit... If style is your craving, public transit just isn't going to fly. A license in your wallet isn't really an indicator of style. I will admit a lack of a license isn't really conducive to style as well. Hmmn. If I were to contemplate what wallet items for transportation would be stylish I'd have to go with the following:
  • AAA Plus card. It means that you travel and could find yourself wishing a 99 mile tow.
  • Rental Preferred Card. You're not afraid of paying a little extra for a perk when a rental is needed.
  • Airline cards. If style is important, showing an awareness of interstate travel is a plus.
I considered a pilot's license... But I think that may be a bit overboard. Translation for the real stylish man: We all need to travel. The question is not whether you can drive, but the level of preparation and associated perk you're willing to give yourself.

A picture of parents. Of course you're stylish, but you're also down to earth, not to mention gracious, giving credit where credit is due.

There's nothing a suitor in your life loves more than a picture of Mom. *ahem*... While, it'd be nice if the Rockwellian way of life could re-infuse our anti-50's way of life... Mom, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet aren't really the mainstays of life anymore. Sadly, more and more people come from dysfunctional homes. More people have more baggage than a Samsonite sales conference. Now, if you have a good relationship with them, great.. a picture may be a good thing. But, if you didn't.. Keeping a lie in your wallet to give people a warm fuzzy isn't stylish... It's not even healthy. The picture or more properly object in your wallet should be something that gives you strength and a strong, positive mood. Something that makes you proud to show off. Real pride. Something that gives you a glow to others when they see you talk about it. Translation for the real stylish man: It doesn't have to be a picture, even though it could be. It can be a note,or if it leaves the wallet it can be a piece of jewelry or a tattoo. The stylish person keeps a part of themselves with them that they are willing to always share.

In short Elaine Szewczyk (Which I think is either pronounced "Chew-Check" or "Sheffish") has proven that it really takes a good paycheck to write drivel.

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