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Andrei in the office

lordandrei

Andrei's Universe

One man's journey from infinity to nothingness


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Andrei in the office
lordandrei

FEAR MY AWESOME MAGICKS!!!

There are times that listing myself on Yahoo is a bad thing. Yes, I openly study esoteric, fringe sciences. (A wonderful term devised by a mage known as "Uncle Chucky", while trying to explain the occult to a wedding party at the same hotel as a conference for Net-Mages)

See, if you list Witchcraft, Wicca, Ceremonial Magick, or the like on a profile... well, then everyone from the Pagan world to the quiet conservatives immediately has an opinion on you and what you 'do.'

Yesterday, I got randomly messaged by not one but two girls wanting to know if I could help them with love spells. (If my eyes could face the back of my head, they'd roll that far)

The first one hit me and I had to play. Note, I take my study and philosophy seriously. But that doesn't prevent me from being very surreptitious in practicing said philosophy while vehemently trying to teach a silly child not to play with fire. ;)

I'll put some comments in to give you an idea why I said what I said...

Girl: hi, do you know any powerful love spells..

Houston... we have a live one. Why would someone want to do anything this stupid. I mean... Like, ohmygod, like hasn't she seen The Craft?

Drei: Well, that would depend entirely on what your goals are
Girl: what path of magic, do you study????

Okay. What honest answer will make her believe I'm right for the job. Something that will make it sound like I can solve her problems when in truth, I'd rather she just drop this idea entirely

Drei: Ceremonial, ritual, transforming the world to fit my will
Girl: ok, I need your help, I want my ex back, and I need a powerful love spell to do it, do you know???

Agh, I'm being psychically attacked. I have these magickal headaches, what should I do?... Have you tried these magick white pills for defense. I call them asprin. I mean no offense, but let's not use a chainsaw on balsa wood.

Drei: Well, there are several things you could do, but without knowing the situation, the wrong action could make it far, far worse

Booga booga. Magick can be scary. If you're being all self serving and trying to change someone else against their will you're going to hurt them and yourself.

Girl: are you there???

I got these alot. The girl wanted immediate answers.

Girl: I could explain the situation, if you would like???
Drei: Yes. But you need to give me about 15 minutes, okay?
Girl: ok, can you tell, when you get back....
Drei: Thanks

After 8 minutes...

Girl: are you there???

And after 15...

Drei: Back now
Girl: ok, do you have time now...
Drei: For a moment. What is the story?
Girl: well, my ex-boy friend's ex -wife put a spell on us to breakup...
Drei: How did she put a spell on you?
Girl: She went to Japnese magic worker.....

You know, the... no... just.. "You know!" Sigh. This now feels silly. I need to find just the right question to get more details into this.

Drei: Do you know if it was a dikuro or a kitsuyoshi?

jnanacandra looks at me (as she is typing while I am driving) and asks, "What are those?" I respond, "Made up words in japanese that sound impressive."

I figure I will get 1 of three reactions:
  1. I don't know
  2. I don't know what are those
  3. One of the two choices
Happily I have three responses ready. #2 would be the best one.


Girl: I don't know... what is the difference...
Drei: Well, in one case I wouldn't worry, but in the other she's calling on some very dark magicks that are very very dangerous

*heh* Translation: 1) She's either not using magick and I really think you should find some other way of dealing with this issue; 2) she is using magicks on her end and is basically trying to manipulate someone else's will and is really doing something stupid herself.

Girl: do you think you could help..
Drei: I'd need much more information

Like an eval on the relationship

Girl: Like what, do you have anything against inter-racial relationships...

WTF?!? Sorry, like a psych eval on the people involved. I'm one to have racial objections to a relationship? hahahahahahahaha

Drei: Love is love. Race, religion, preference.... Nothing should get in the way of love
Drei: Love is the most powerful magick we have

Well actually sex... but sex under will, in ... oh never mind.. too complicated. Um... All you need is love, honey.

Girl: what type of information, do you need...
Drei: One sec
Drei: I'm consulting a reference

I'm driving. I need to think of something....

Girl: ok, tell me when you are back...
Drei: To try to figure out the types of magick used, I need to find out how you learned magick was used. Were you told, or were their signs? What were the effects that made it obvious that magick was used?
Girl: I went two spiritual workers and I was told the same thing ,and we had a very good relationship and out of the blue, he decided to end the relationship, after two years, a week before we broke up we were talking about marriage and kids...

Spiritual workers... sigh. I wonder how much they charged her. I actually contemplate charging her. But since I really don't believe in that...

Girl: And one tell-tale sign was that his ex-wife asked how my health was???

Tell tale sign? I wonder if this was a leading question from one of her spiritual workers.

Drei: One moment
Drei: Well with that concern, the first issue is protecting your own health
Drei: You should begin shielding and setting ward immediately if you have not already done so

The girl is either dealing with paranoia or mayyyyyyyyybe some external influence. If she at least begins with a harmless practice of protecting herself maybe she won't keep believing external forces are at work.

Girl: but they said the hex was removed...
Girl: Can you help me???
Drei: Who is 'they'?
Girl: I went to a friend who is spiritual worker and he rmoved the hex and ge says that it lost its power...
Drei: Give me a moment. I will be offline for about 5 minutes while I check something
Girl: ok, thanks...


Of course. I will wave my hand and you are cured. Now you can rely on me to fix your problems. Now the girl believes that she is safe so she can go out and work magick on others to make up for the magick worked on her.

2 minutes later.

Girl: are you there???

3 minutes later.

Drei: Yes. Was in the rest room
Girl: ok...

Now at this point, I was running more late for a date and trying to get out the door while trying to put the girl off for a little while.

Drei: I think I can do some thing to help. But I need to run out for about 2 hrs. Can you email me general info about you and your ex so I can analyze what step to take next.
Drei: email@somedomain.foo
Girl: sure, but can Isend it you later tonight...
Drei: Certainly
Drei: I will be back on (or at least more responsive) in about 2 hours
Girl: what kind of info, do you need...
Drei: Full Name, birthdate and time, place of birth, (for astrological charts) current city

Yeah, I'll do a chart. That'll help

Girl: is that all you need...
Drei: For starters
Drei: It will help me cast charts of influences
Drei: I would also need the time and date that magicks were done... Or your best impression

Who knows... maybe I'll find a big red "X" that says, "Magick was done here."

Girl: ok, but I don't know how to spell his middle name and I don't know what time he was born....
Drei: Make your best guesses and make sure to tell me in the email which information you are sure of and which you are not
Girl: Ok, I'll give it a try, but some are just purely guesses...
Drei: We will do what we can

Are we done for now yet?

Girl: do you feel there is hope for this???
Drei: There is always hope

No, give up hope. That will help any situation.

Girl: Will other love spells interfere with this...

Ahh, this is a mulit point attack. Shop around for as many love spells as you can and volley them all at once. While you're at it, Ray.. Cross the streams.

Dr. Egon Spengler : There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman : What?
Dr. Egon Spengler : Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman : Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler : It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman : I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean "bad"?
Dr. Egon Spengler : Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr. Raymond Stantz : Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman : That's bad. Okay. Alright, important safety tip, thanks Egon.


Drei: I wouldn't do any spells at all at the moment. Too dangerous. To the situation and to yourself.
Drei: Anyone advising spells at this stage is being irresposible to the nature of magick

For the love of anything you hold divine, Would you stop listening to people who tell you spells fix all your problems

Girl: how soon will I see results...

Oh, intone for 4-6 hours then repeat. If still intoning after 72 hours, contact a magus.

Tae-Kwon-Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon


Drei: That depends entirely on you. I will know more tonight when I get home and cast the charts

More on this later... :)


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You are so broken and I love it.

Have you tried these magick white pills for defense. I call them asprin.

Yellow pills. YELLOW. Little. Yellow. Different.

Why can't anyone get it straight.

PS you are evil. I like it.
PPS I found my CDs from 2 Carnivals ago. Gives me happy memories.

You know whats really really pathetic about this.....underneith the mocking and the toying with her mind, you are actually, truly, trying to help :)

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're actually a good guy....you big softy you!

Ssshhhh!

You can't let out my dark secrets! You'll ruin my street cred as a twisted, dark and evil warlock that's an as^%$#le at heart.

;)

ROFLMAO!!! turning blue

gasp ... gasp!

You must give us updates!!!! This sounds like the start of a new book. What next? Hanuman Langurs do Qabala?

Sounds like this girl needs to pick up a copy of Psychic Self Defense and just tell everyone else to go screw themselves with their puny little spells as she has made herself into magickal teflon! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

ow wow, my sleep dep is kicking in. I should probably take a nap before my flatmate comes home tonight and throws a Comatosa Incredulosso spell at me for bouncing off of the walls and cackling in a hideous manner...

keep us posted, oh great sage of hidden irony!

W3 PH34R J00!!!

Choking laughing here, damn that was the funniest thing that I have read all day. ANd I agree with Brendan93, you are a softie under there. Oh gods I can't wait fer part 2! LMFAO!!!

But you knew that Dikuro is the author of a book called "Footprints of God: Modern Proof of God's Existence" right?

Hahahaa

Thanks for sharing. This is one of the funniest things I have read on LJ in a long while.

Keep us posted with the latest.

I really don't approve of what you're doing Andrei.

Seeking the help of professional magicians is a deeply ingrained practice in some cultures. You're pissing in somebody elses church.

What are you doing IMing while driving, anyway?

This is awfully tangential, but your post reminded me of something I keep wondering:

Who was it that decided that the spelling "magick" needed to be dredged up out of its comfy 16th-century crypt and made standard once again? (I see "majick", too, even more annoying since it doesn't even have history staunchly behind it.) Is it an attempt to put some space between "real" "magick", and "what magicians do in Las Vegas and at parties"?

I don't blame you for perpetuating what has already become common usage, but the common usage itself strikes me as terribly pretentious, if that's not entirely oxymoronic. It's like spelling "women" as "womyn", but somehow it has become acceptable.

that's a case of women trying to get away from the "womb-man" thing by mistakenly inserting a Y chromosome ... heh.

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