Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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The warning....

A speech teacher I had in college said, never apologize for something you've done intentionally. Apologize for the error you've caused unintentionally. this didn't make a lot of sense to me at the time.

In theatre and performance in made more sense as I learned more. The idea was to make the mistake as big as you could so that it could be seen for what it was. No excuses. In the process if you hurt someone else than apologize fro not knowing that the mistake was harmful to them. Learn from the real mistake.

It's taken me a long time to learn that my feelings are mine. Despite my training from my parnets and some bad experiences, everyone of my feelings are mine and I have every right to them. The truth is in knowing whether or not the motivation to those feelings are right or wrong.

So once again we invoke a hill of beans.

I am going thru a very large transformation in my life. It's been taking a long time because I've been passively going thru the changes except in the most superficial ways. In those ways I've made drastic changes which haven't really fixed the core problems. I'm actively digging deeper. (And I'm using a spoon so that it will hurt more ;)

This is causing a roller coaster of feelings that don't get a lot of chance to come out and play anymore. If the reference makes sense, think of the episode of "Mork and Mindy" when Mork bottles in his emotions and they come out and play.

Last night, the cat decided to be more rambunctious than usual. There are two places in my bedroom he is not allowed. One is at the closet door. He smells something in the closet (as only a cat can smell) and he want's to get into the closet. Unfortunately, he's scratching at the mirrored door and causing damage to it. The other is the shelves where my clean clothing sits. He likes climbing up in there because he likes making my clothes unclean no matter how clean his litter box is.

So I have a water pistol on my night stand.

I was in a bad mood last night feeling down. Very down. I decided not to make a journal entry. Then the cat began his nightly tirade. Going after the hot spots. I felt like I was being intellegently mocked and challenged (which of course was asinine)

I hit a point of being livid with the cat and started verbally threatening it. I'd never actually carry thru on these threats...but the realization of what I was doing hit me like a ton of yellow bricks.

I opened up the laptop and started writing.

So here's the warning:
What follows next is a very candid look into some of the darker places of me. It's who I am. Parts are changing, parts are improving. But change and growth doesn't happen overnight. I lash out and things and I forget a lot of the good things.

No one should take anything said personally. Well maybe one person but that is between him and me. If anything said in causes a reaction...please feel free to talk to me about it. either openly in the forum thru comments or personally to me. Anyone reading this knows any number of emails that reach me.

Bottom line. What you are going to see in the next post is very raw. It's very me. I look back and don't necesserily live in a state of believing all the opinions I have while in this state. But i do go thru phases like this.

It's what I am. And hiding from it, isn't going to help me grow away from it.

Consider it the path to exorcising my demons.

93, 93/93


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