Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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The weekend that dribbled

I've been going pretty full tilt since June. June was the magical month when my old employer decided that in a fiscal reworking of their priorities (translation: VP's jockeying for power) most of my team was no longer considered necessary.

Since June I have:
  • Travelled to the OTO national conference
  • Become ordained as a priest
  • Performed in masses in 3 different states.
  • Begun my study towards becoming a chartered initiator

    And oh, yes... moved, found a new job, engaged a wonderful woman that I love dearly, taught classes in Hebrew...

    Blah, blah, blah....

    I kept dreading the flu this season, because frankly... I didn't have time to get sick. Who does?

    Friday mid-day I knew it was coming. I had that "Something not right in my throat" feeling. This was followed by, "I don't get this whole coding thing" (Which really sucks when it's your code)

    I felt badly because Friday morning, I'd asked H if she wanted to go clubbing that evening. By the afternoon, I explained that clubbing was probably out for this weekend. So, it was coming. I dosed up, took more vitamin C. Prepped myself.

    Bah. Saturday, I was sick. Throat was bothering me, felt a little run down. But I was able to medicate and look okay. Saturday evening was our, "Yay! We're an Oasis Now" party. I watched the The Ninth Gate, which I thought was great. The climax was a touch anti-climactic. But still a good flick.

    Sunday, I woke up and was reminded what it is like to really be sick. I haven't been sick in probably over a year. I think I owe that partially to being in a really good head-space over the last year. Recently my head-space has been a bit off...

    Let's see what's in Herman's Head today?

    They say, if you want something done, ask a busy person. I had a huge history of being horrendously irresponsible. Nowadays, I just working on making it not so irresponsible. I carry a laptop around with me most of the time because it has my date book. I've finally, gotten to the point where I don't make an appointment or a commitment without it. The last two times I have tried to do something without it, I have over committed myself and had to fix the problem later. At the same time, I've also been over scheduling myself quite a bit. In January I devoted about 16 days out of the month to order work. This involved class material preparation, initiations, teaching the class, and exemplification practice, preparation, and performance.

    Now, the truth is, I love doing this stuff. I've just been doing a lot of it. I've also been developing some inner conflicts over how I've been focussing my work. We have two local OTO bodies in my area. (Which is a blessing considering I know of places where the nearest OTO is 3-5 hours by car, usually further) I've been devoting 95+% of my time to Blue Horizon. Again, I love the work I do. But with conflicts and just being beaten down, I haven't been able to give a lot of time to LVX (our other body). Happily, I am performing mass there at the end of this month which allays that feeling. I love doing stuff for and in the order. I very much believe in the core philosophy and it has been a great vehicle with which I have improved myself.

    Not that I feel much improved at the moment, having called in sick today.

    My inner conflict was sort of a bubbling of "What's the point" and "I feel like my life has drifted out of my control" But not on a depression level. And not tied to one thing or another. Work is ok (note little letters). I can do the stuff, I could do it in my sleep. I don't know if I feel incredibly passionate about it (to quote a coworker who decided to make that observation in front of a manager, but he is another whole post that will not be public.) I jumped into the CS field (contrary to my collegiate dreams) because I knew I could easily cement myself a job for more than 50K. What I discovered was living at the bottom of the food chain in a cube wondering what 24 year old with an MBA would be <fingerquotes>buzz-wording</fingerquotes> at me next.

    See in Thelema we have this line:
    "For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect."

    Liber AL, I:44

    So at this point for your entertainment, I wave my trusty Center of Pestilence Wand. I've been having a problem with this whole concept. But then again... what personal progress is supposed to be easy. I had a nice long chat with the wizened elqahar before the party which helped me realize that I'm focussing so much on order stuff that I need to focus more on my own magick for myself. Which was again a good idea until the thermometer confirmed that I'll be hacking up a lung during the Star Ruby.

    This whole lust of result thing to me gets confused with the simple process of making a goal and working towards it. It's almost like, setting a goal is counter to achieving the ends means unassuaged of purpose. So, on the one hand I can have a goal but on the other hand, I really mustn't put a whole lot into the accomplishing of the goal. With work and order I've had a large feeling of, "It's out of your control son, don't worry about it." This, I will admit, is very hard for me. Being raised submissively as a child gives way to having a slight control-freak nature as an adult. So, I want to steer my work career somewhere fulfilling. (Or at least somewhere where I love the work I'm doing and not spending every other day wondering if some manager's manager will make the dumb decision to outsource/close my division). And I'd like to steer my career in my order. But that is far more out of my hands, and yet, possibly very much in my hands as I do my personal work.

    So, the last two days I have spent in deep meditation. Well, okay, I've spent the last two days slack-jawed and staring at the television. Slack-jawed because every now and then my nostrils don't collaborate on which one will be empty and which will be stuffed back to my ear. My greatest accomplishments of Sunday and Monday have consisted of this post, too much time on orkut and lj, and watching American Wedding. (The latter of which made a slack-jawed facade ironically appropriate)

    To add insult to injury, in 30 minutes and then the amount of time of dialing through a busy signal... I get to find out if I go to court tomorrow.

    As I said.. things are ok... It's just time for me to start wrestling with some demons again.
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