Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

  • Mood:

Don't despair...

I got into the office. I'd already dealt with the following last night

An insult in a journal post I'd made
Being made aware that a major fuck up in my life had been made public
The journal entry someone made in anger about it
The overall hopelessness that it was absolutely true.
taking the first steps to fix the specific fuck up.
Posting angry bile in my journal....
Having 3 arguments over the literalness of the contents


Two more arguments over my post.
I feel numb. All around.
I was wrong. The hardest part is that every word in anger said about what I did was true.
Simply, I destroyed a friendship. My fault. All of it.

I got into the office at about 11:30. Having been vaguely ill all morning.

There were 4 messages waiting for me:
1) 6:34 a.m. Person A: You will call me at my cell _as soon_ as you get in and hear this.
2) 6:37 a.m. Person A: My cell phone # is
3) 10:00 a.m. Person B: You should talk to me by phone; AIM is getting us nowhere
4) 11:15 a.m. Person C: I haven't heard from you today.

Person C: a person I'm currently dating. a person that I am totally afraid of hurting. a person that I am afraid I will scare off the more I talk about my past

Person B: my online sparring partner. I used to communicate well via IM. I don't anymore. I piss off people on line. No matter what my mood or intentions are.

Person A: The friendship I destroyed.

I was horrified when I heard the messages. It was 11:30 when I got them. But hey, it's just expected of me to blow something off that I don't want to face. I figured that's what the person already thought of me.

I called. I wasn't going to be emotional, I wasn't going to plead for forgiveness. I simply stated the fact.
I will be able to fix the physical manifestation of my fuck up in a timely fashion.
I will do it through you so there is no doubt in yours or anyone else's mind that i've done it.
I said that everything she said about me was right and accurate. And that I could fix the fuck up...But I'd probably never be able to repair the damage.

I was cold on line. Not because I didn't care...But because I did.
I didn't want pity. I didn't deserve it.
I sort of tried to convey that I'm aware of what I've done...but it's irrelevant..It's my issues and fault and I've done enough damage as it is to worry that anyone else know that I'm aware and trying to fix it.

She wanted to tell me what she thought...And I knew I had it coming. She was at work and didn't feel she had the liberty to talk to me. I told her I would be here late and she was free to say whatever she felt at that time.

I've gotten myself to a numb level because it's taken away the needless self-hate I've been experiencing...

Then she said two things....

"You could be so cool Andrei..."
"just...don't despair."

Of all the people I don't deserve that from. She's 100. Maybe 1000. I've done such terrible things...and she still said the kindest caring things a person could.

I couldn't hide it from her. I wanted to. I was breaking into tears. The second time in a month. Which is fascinating because I'm up to 3 this year now. I don't think I cried 3 times in the entire 5 years preceding.

I didn't want her to hear my tears. I didn't feel like I deserved to be emotional. I'd hurt her. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to...But I did.

She is so much a better person than I am. And I ruined it.

Sorry will never be enough.

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