March 24th, 2007

Why me?!?!?

How do you describe that which you can't describe?

Had an annoying 'waking dream' last night.

Waking dreams are dreams where you dream that you wake up. Then they continue.

It's almost as if your subconscious is battling your conscious. Internally the mind goes, "No, this is a dream... this can't be real" so the subconscious goes, "Oh, he thinks this is a dream. I'll let him think he woke up and then continue the dream."

And so it goes.

Only problem was the initial dream was a resolution of something I've tried to put out of my mind and release. There are certain things in my life I'm not going to accomplish. Some at my current stage in life, some ever. I'll use "graduating from college" for an example.

Having a detailed dream about walking down the aisle at my university in robust full colour with all the pomp and circumstance is in my deepest conscience damned unlikely. No matter how many people are cheering me on and how I can feel the diploma and handshake; deep in my head is a choir of angels saying, "This ain't happening."

But then to 'wake up' and have the acting dean explain that it actually did happen. Steps were taken to permit it. The person makes it sound incredibly rational that the impossible happened in your sleep.

Dreams are supposed to divert, change, swim like a thread in a braid or a helix. It moves from unrelated idea to unrelated idea only faintly linked by your own imagination. They're supposed to. Last night was my subconscious gleefully trying to convince me that my resolution had occurred. Right down to showing it to me in writing. (I'm one of those people who can not read in their sleep. Words and letters jumble.) But the documentation was in front of me. And I could clearly read that it'd happened.

Satisfied that my slumbering body was convinced my subconscious had one last laugh at my expense. It let me actually wake up and realize that it was, "just a dream."

---

There are many things I want to accomplish in life. Many are out of my direct control. For example: I've been seeking a promotion in my career for close to 5 years but things just haven't worked out that way. Our industry is funny, the longer I continue the more road-blocks they put in and the higher the bar is lifted. The career often feels like the ultimate trip through Zeno's paradox.

On top of that is the fact that I have a baby now. A lot of my personal goals and plans have been put on hold or dispensed. Where my stubbornness has blocked my ability to see how he's upset my already shaky system of time management.

Personally, I am fully aware how much I've been dropping the ball for friends, loved ones, and people I interact with. I'm pretty sure I've caused most of the people around me more pain, annoyance, and inconvenience than I have added. And this is difficult for me. More than I can find words for.

I've spent the last 8 years on a spiritual journey to fix myself and feel like much of the work has sort of untied itself over the last year. I'm not sure how to retie it and even if anyone will care if I do. I've dropped some pretty big balls in the past 8 months and really don't expect anyone to give me a second chance. Personally, I believe some doors in my life have now been personally closed. One of which relates directly to my dream.

Some of this I can try to blame on being a first time father with a six month old.
Mind you I have no resentment towards my family at all. I love them absolutely and completely and will continue to put them first in my life. Except maybe over my own sanity ;)

But I honestly know that the blame is wholly on me. I am nowhere near as organised as I should be. I'm great with ideas and horrible at follow-thru. I work best 'in the now' and am at my worst 'over time.' And the world doesn't work that way. And I am damned useless at communicating that or at most times admitting to it.

Right now in life I feel much like Dilbert. Average.. in the middle. Going as far as you will and there's not a whole lot of promise for advancement. Many big dreams and projects loom ahead unfulfilled. And if there were time and growth...maybe someday... they might occur.

Maybe that's the real reason I don't/can't read Dilbert. It's not that the situations are to real. It's that the person is too real.

So... I had a dream last night. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It made me very happy. The dream went out of its way to convince me, "It was a done deal." But it wasn't... isn't....probably won't for a very long time.

Symbolically, I have no idea what to get out of that. Because it's the one thing in my life I'm certain hasn't happened. And there's nothing I can really tie it to to make any sense.

Just sorta makes me feel deflated and feeling distant.

Such is my description of that which I can't describe.

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