I've been at this now for close to 5 years and I have to admit that until tonight, something wasn't completely clicking. Someone told me 'fake it until you make it' This concept sort of tied into something my choir teacher in college taught me.
Dr D. Told me, "You may not have the best performance, you may not even think you were on or there but if you can touch one person... you've done something special."
Between that, talks with P.H. and other people in L.A.; I started trying to do ritual... But to quote Buffy there was a lot of "Going thru the motions."
Tonight changed everything.
Fra K.A. taught the history of magick, explained the parts of the ritual. Then we did an invocation of Thoth.
Now, I'd watched with confused reaction to SK when he would 'channel' the Egyptian pantheon. (Note to SK who'd probably reading. No disrespect meant, I just didn't get it.)
In general 'magick' was safe for me because I could always hold up the big sign that says, "Yeah it's fun and all; but come on." Sadly that sign was also always hiding one that said, "Yeah it's fun and all; but come on! when will it be real?
So... Tonight the class of newbies and a few regulars did the Thoth invocation. I've been "ruby boy" of late. I like the Star Ruby ritual and have really gotten into doing it. Again. Do and feel are two different things. I keep waiting for it to curl my toenails or something.
I banish. Fra AM does the purification. Sor L does the conceration.
K.A. told us how to really visuallize the god form. Very vivid description. Also talked about a good way to vibrate the name of the god form.
I've often told people that I suck at any given task until someone takes me thru it holding my hand once.
This was the hand holding.
The invocation was the Anthem from the Ship (Also Lib. XV the mass) to be honest; this was the first time I was able to recall it entirely from memory. And I can guess that Fra S. may have read that with a raised eyebrow.
But then we got to the visuallization of the God form. Close the eyes, see the image of Thoth. Feel the ibis beak (I thought to myself, "Look like Gonzo the muppet"; And I redoubled my efforts. Hell, I've been doing theatre now for (Aw f*#&) 30 years. Visuallization I can do.
Feel the ibis head, feal the nemis (sp?) on the back of the head. Feel yourself only wearing an egyptian skirt. Staff in the right hand, ankh in the left.
I felt mysef begining to lose myself in the picture. I have always been able to visuallize things in my hands. I picked that up in elementary school and thank what ever powers there are that I've not lost that from my childhood.
But this time.... This time there was more than feeling. S &L's air conditioner kicked on (I think) and I began to feel the breeze against my chest. Which unnerved me because I could also feel the denim shirt that was NOT exposing my chest.
I felt my posture change. I felt my entire body and mindset change. Suddenly there was only me in my Thoth suit and the voice of K.A. and I really had no idea what he was saying anymore.
And if that wasn't enough we vibrated the name with the sign of the enterer and it was vibration like I've never had before. It filled me. It coloured me Orange. (Give me a break it was a mercurial working) I couldn't open my eyes. I was lost in it. And if my psychosis wansn't complete; my closed eyes suddenly gave way to light patterns moving before me in Oranges and Purples. Swirling around. And I knew where all the ambient light was in the room; the images that my eyes firmly saw were not coming from where the candles were.
All the while I'm swaying. I feel like I'm physically going to fall over. But I hold my ground. Not even the persperation has me slowed. But I am swaying as if I was an old orthodox man at synagogue. (Davaning sp?)
We went on for a while with me floating along in my new "God form" and eventually KA read the license to depart. I felt like something was being drawn away from me. I think for the first time I know what withdrawl feels like. K.A. asked me to close with another Ruby banashing. For a fleeting moment I almost told him, "No, please banash" as I was in no shape. I was begining to feel wasted. But I'd acquiesced earlier (perhaps out of go, because I like doing the Ruby... but this was later)
The second Ruby was very different from the first. I'd touched something in ritual space and now wanted to feel this in all work I did.
The Ruby finished, KA knocked and we were done. And so was I. I sat down on the floor and killed a can of DV coke. I mean, schlorp. About 70% of the drink in one hit.
For the next hour or so... I was simply 'dazed'
I have since then had sort of food (Jack in the bα) and watched buffy which I taped. (Good episode) Tomorrow after I sleep off the buzz, I'll look back at whatever the hell happened.
I'm really kinda blitzed by this and really am not sure what happened.