Andrei Freeman (lordandrei) wrote,
Andrei Freeman

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Feeling better about myself

Today, I un-protected the entry I made upon returning to livejournal this year after a 4-5 month hiatus.

During that time I was learning about who I was by trying not to make a score of mistakes I've made in the past; and learned a few new ways to repeat some of the mistakes. I came out stronger as a person.

I have now been in analysis (which I often think is mandated by California state law for anyone who's lived here longer than two years) for about 9 months. I guess I'm off to a good start because I'm seeing a psychiatrist and he's seen no reason to perscribe drugs for me. Well, this is either a good start or my acting ability has been able to hide any chemical imbalances I may have.

Getting to this stage was not easy. I had a dread fear of shrinks based on the fact of watching my own father's life go to hell due to physical and mental damage he incurred due to a massive stroke at 39. For those counting... 4 years. He never really took care of himself; but then again... Doctors always make the worst patients.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this, because I know that the people I would be writing this to, don't read this journal. They used to. Perhaps the motivation was discoving a tool online that shows you who has 'friended' you and when they came on or left. More on this towards the end.

I wouldn't say I'm perfect. *self chuckle* Well, then again, I wouldn't say I'm that great to begin with. I've got horrendously low self image and even worse organizational skills. I am fraught with the need to make things better in a relationship even if at heart I'm making them worse.

One person tried for years to get me to see a shrink to start dealing with my issues. And if there was a year I needed it, it was 2002. 2002 for me will be a true "Worst of times" year. Some of my stupidest mistakes were made or more properly brought to light in 2002. Lovers and ex's were transformed into people who saw me at my absolute worst. My Tarzanic swinging from relationship to relationship was made more exciting as one ex discovered my true horrible incompetance over money; that's the polite way of saying 'trying to make it better on one level while horrendously lying on another came back and the lie bit me on the ass' Three lovers came and went as their understanding of my search of self knowledge was clouded by their needs in the relationship. Translation, "Never believe the line 'Uh, sure...I don't have a problem with Poly'
in a new relationship."

See there's that strange balance between what you're supposed to do in a relationship and what you're most assuredly not suppose to do. For the longest time my weakness was money. Couldn't handle it at all. Paid what I could to make life easy for me and the people I was involved with or even early, planned to pay it back as best I could.

But that is neither here nor there. For me the hardest part learning has been that person A's "wants" and "not wants" are almost guarenteed to be the opposite of person B's. The only constant that exists is that person B is sure to get upset when you act in the context of your training from person A.

So due to the support primarily from one person, I've been seeking help. A found a doctor who listens to me. Doesn't condescend to me and doesn't let me 'get away with the bulls&#$'. But then again, he's also helped me get away from that pushing need for external validation that I've had. This may go hand in hand with that need to make things right in the relationship. So, I've been on a course to make things right for me. (This is in my {until recently friends only} post that was opened up today)

I've always been afraid that the mistakes in my life coupled with who I am will eventually turn me into an Ebenezer Scrooge type person. I'll will continue down my path of cynicism, I will make mistakes and in the end. Be a curmugeon who lives alone and dies alone with no one caring and maybe even a few people cheering. I perceive that there is a person out there who's entire opinion of me is that I am $6,000 that they feel I owe them. And that is my entire value. I know that one person believes I am a closet full of boxes and lies.

So, thanks to this one person... I've stayed on my course. I've become more comfortable with who I am. I'm stronger and able to fight the demons better when they creep up on me. I have been responsible out here and have not committed to things that I'm not 100% sure of that I can keep my word over. I was happily surprised when someone called me one of the most responsible people she'd ever met.

I guess one learns through ugly f*&$-ups.

I needed to come here. I needed to restart. I haven't done everythign right out here either, but I haven't made some of the mistakes that I made in the past. It may not show to some as some of my mistakes held a long chain to me and still do.

I felt like writing today. It's me... my words and my beliefs.

The little tool I looked at today, showed that I started the year by having a mass 'defriending' on my journal. One person is a someone I have known probably the longest of anyone who's ever been on my journal. She is someone who has transformed her life from a very hard and dark place into something miraculous that I marvel at and in a way aspire to alot. She and the person closest to her have been recently blessed in the best way possible. And I hope that their lives do nothing but continue to prosper.

That being said, she and others have opted to step away from me. On some levels, I deserve it; on others I may not. But thanks to her and others I've learned. That each person does as they will. And it's okay.

Someone may be furious with you...and it's okay. They're allowed... You're allowed. It happens. Time happens. Each person unto their own; for better or worse.

I'm feeling better about myself because I'm letting go of ill will. I don't hold as much anymore. I don't need to fix the s&$# anymore.

To each their own path. And may everyone's path make them a better person.

93. 93,93/93

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